If you haven't heard of this, you much check it out:

Go to Google, select Preferences, click on the drop down menu for Interface Language. Yes, you can select "Elmer Fudd" as your interface language. You can also select many other fun languages. I'll let you browse.

Somebody has a lot of time on their hands.

Can't focus. Job requires focus. I need to go home and go to bed. I'll try to make it until 3 pm. I came in at 7:45 am. I'll just be an hour short of my daily hours if I leave at 3. I hope I am allowed to leave.

training over, back from lunch, in a food coma

45 minutes until my training starts. I have about 5 people attending. I hope that some of them decide to start a support group for children of parents with mental illnesses. I would like to get this part of my program off of the ground, which is where it has been for a long time.

I don't know what to do to get people energized to help our children. People in this area are tired. They are worn out. They've been doing this work with no support of any kind for years. Then the backbiting starts. We attack each other, even when our ultimate goals are the same. Ah well, there is only so much that I can do right now. And the first thing I have to do is go make some coffee for my group.

I am just so mentally unfocused it is pathetic. I am trying to do some research online for one of my programs but I keep hitting dead ends.

Trump fires Bush!!!

Hahahahaha!

I've got to get my butt in gear. I've got too many projects going on and I am procrastinating. I need to prepare for my training tomorrow. I'll do that first.

Yet again here at the office, back at the old grind.

Last night I tried the old midwife trick my doula showed me again. This involves elevating your hips so that your baby (or babies) will present in the vertex position. I should be doing this every day, but it is difficult for me to get on the floor and then get back up. I tried it on the couch, but I felt like I wasn't getting enough elevation. Each time I do this exercise, I get winded because pressure is placed on my back and my lungs. I'll have to ask my doula about all of this next week when I see her.

I should have taken a walk yesterday, but it felt much better to be lying down. The couch is uncomfortable, so I went to the bed again. I am reading a book I found in the library, "When You are Expecting, Twins, Triplets, or Quads." This book is the best book on multiples I have read so far. It's only the third book on being pregnant with multiples I've seen. Most of the others are either basic pregnancy books (which have one page on twins or higher order multiples) or they deal with just the parenting aspect of twins. "When You are Expecting" talks about the emotional aspect of carrying multiples in such great detail and care. It actually describes the feelings of carrying multiples as the same as the stages of death and dying (ala Kubler-Ross)

I want to add Amazon books to my blog, kind of like Cathy & Doug have done. I need to find out from them how to link those to my blog.

It feels good outside, but it is hot in this office. I know that our office manager would beg to differ. She is wrapped up in her fleece cape with her heater on.

I've got to start working on plans for when I am gone. One of my biggest programs is a mental health outreach and education program in the area schools. We are going to hire some people part-time to do that while I am out, but also to expand the program. Anyone interested? Cathy?

I tore the nursery up this weekend, and then was too tired to put it back together. Last night instead of watching American Idol (which is a sham anyway), Cory and I put everything away. We also made a list of things we need to get and complete BEFORE the boys arrive. I have one more shower planned, but of course, the planners want to have it the first weekend of June.

People just don't get it when it comes to twins. They think, oh she's not due until the end of July so we have plenty of time. Bull spit.

I have been reading about pre-term labor and counting contractions in one of my books. In the information about pre-term labor warning signs, it mentions pain on the right side as a sign. This is the first time I have read that particular symptom as a warning sign. It worried me for a minute, and then I went to sleep. This morning, I don't feel the pain, yet. If today is like yesterday, it will progress through out the day. By the time I got home yesterday, I felt so clausterphobic in the car, I thought I was going to have a breakdown. I'm going to have to get a timer and set it for an hour at a time and get up and walk around each hour. Sitting is bad.

Evidence that i was exhausted: Came home and immediately got in the bed. Intended only to rest so that my body did not hurt anymore. Fell asleep for an hour.

How funny are these!!!!!

2 complaints:
1. Constant pain on my right side/back. A rib right under my bra must be out of place and/or have a baby underneath it. Remedy: lying on left side. (Can't do at the office).

2. Feeling hungry when your stomach is completely stuffed. How can this happen? Cory was baffled when I told him this last night. Remedy: chocolate or chocolate Frosty (mmmm... too bad there is no chocolate in the office and I am penniless).

I finally have my morning burst of energy. I think I accomplished more in the first hour today than I did all day yesterday.

Last night, I rested all night. Cory made dinner and then we watched "Lost in Translation." It was an odd movie, but I enjoy that type of movie. We watched "Identity" last week, which stars my boyfriend John Cusack. I think the rest is what helped me re-energize for today.

Cory is now talking about quitting his job at Lowe's. He is feeling the pressure of having to do the work around the house AND work 2 jobs. I wish that he would keep that job as long as possible because we need the money to pay off medical bills and credit card bills. I wish we could get ahead at some time in our lives. I am sick of constantly feeling that pressure, and it is only going to get worse with double the family. He is talking about quitting when they arrive anyway.

Just when I start to feel somewhat secure in our finances, I feel like he pulls the rug out from under us. On the other hand, his stress level goes sky high with these two jobs. I just wish he would make a decision and stick with it. I'm tired of the wishy washy-ness.

Another day at work. The boys are jumping for joy this morning. They must be using all of my energy because I am just dazed.

I often tire of being the receptionist. I know that the other three in the office do to. Often the bulk of the calls are for the boss, and he rarely makes an effort to answer the phone on the first or even the second or third ring. I guess his work is too important to interrupt. It makes me weary, especially today.

I have a training on Friday I have to prepare for; next Tuesday is Childhood Depression Awareness Day -- have to get materials out for that; Saturday is the Kiwanis Mini-golf tournament; the following Saturday is the zoo event. After that, I will probably want another week off.

I have a half-day doctor's appointment next Tuesday as well. My Stephen Ministry group gave me a massage gift certificate. Mom called yesterday and asked if I wanted to have it on the day of my doctor appointment. Now that I look at what I have to do, I think that I might want it on Saturday after the zoo. hmmm... something to think about.

This is funny! Draw your boss. If I had any artistic talent, I might try it.

Ok here we go...

I didn't blog all weekend because on Saturday I did too much and on Sunday I had to stay in bed to recover.

I did finally talk to my husband about some of the things that are going on with him. He of course refuses to see a counselor. (I knew that outcome before I started, but I had to try). But we made some steps in the right direction.

I slept all morning on Sunday. My mom called to ask me if I wanted to go to the downtown library with her and my brother. I went, and it was a huge effort just to stay sitting upright. One of the books I checked out was a good one on pregnancy with multiples. Some of the things I am reading, however, make me wonder if I am doing what I should for this pregnancy.

For example, it said that I should gain about 40-50 lbs. with twins. It had a chart to keep up with the weight gain. The concern is that they will be very small and have to stay in the NICU because of their size. The assumption my doctor makes is that they will be smaller than full-term singletons.

Example 2, the book recommends that with twins, you stop work at least by the 28th week. If you are at work, you should be able to lie down and rest at least a couple of times during the day. I was planning on working unless I was told to go on bed rest. Now, I really am at a loss for what to do. Again, this is recommended so that the babies are not born significantly premature.

I have a doctor appointment next Tuesday. I can also ask my doula. I just wonder if people really KNOW the right way to do this pregnancy with twins, since most of the experience is with singletons.

No one is blogging so I can't waste the last 30 minutes of my work day reading the blogs. The shower begins at 3. I can't wait because I didn't eat lunch so that I could pig out on the food they made.

I was just tellling my co worker yesterday that I wished humans could have babies like kangaroos!

Thanks KristyK for the great labor story!

Last night my Stephen Ministry supervision group gave me a shower. They gave me a $75 gift certificate to a spa! I will probably wait until after I have the babies to use it.

Today my co workers are giving me a shower. All they've been doing this morning is preparing for the shower. Stacy makes a yummy cheese ball. MMMMM....

I am really just exhausted from yesterday. I went straight from the office to this dinner thing hosted by one of the local hospitals. They gave my boss some award for his many years of great community service. I had to speak about my programs. I left before it was over to go to my shower. Then I finally went home. I think I made it home about 9:30 pm. I just calculated my hours and I worked 10.5 hours yesterday. No wonder I am about brain dead today.

I am cleaning and straightening my office today. I have to do because my mom is going to be here for the shower!

AI must be rigged.

Haven't done much work today. Just had therapy with my co-workers. Then my mom called and I had to tell her what happened last night. I need to talk to my husband, but there is so much (not just the job stuff) that we need to talk about that I often don't know where to start. I need to write it down before I say it.

I have to meet someone for lunch. My Stephen Ministry care receiver is who I am meeting. I like the program and like helping people in that way, but right now I don't have the full emotional resouces to be a support to someone in that way. I need a stephen minister myself.

American Idol is rigged!

I could not believe that Jennifer got voted off. The people who watch that show and vote are unbelievable.

More rant later.

Distraction: two dogs chasing each other around our tiny fenced in area of our yard and patio. It is hilarious because Jackie weighs 17 lbs and Sheba (a rottie pup) weighs just over 50 lbs. Sheba is 5 mos old. Jackie was running circles around her as fast as she could. Sheba half heartedly tried to chase her for about 10 seconds and then stopped. They are still out there going at it. I hope they will be OK outside tomorrow and the rest of the week! I hope nobody draws blood! It wouldn't be intentional, but I can see the possibility.

I called a friend and she should be coming over soon. I just need to talk to someone. My mom isn't home. American idol will be on soon too. I can gloat over the demise of someone else. Maybe that will make me feel better. how sad.

Cory came home and immediately got on the computer. I glanced at it and he was looking at the KUB page. I came back a while later and he was filling out a form online. I asked what he was doing and he said he was applying for a job. I said, 'don't you think we need to talk about this before any decisions are made?' of course he raises his voice and says something like he has to find a job since he is about to be fired. he is being prepared. I couldn't talk to him so i went to the bathroom, cried some more and tried to pull it back together.

I need to talk to my mom but my brother in law is coming over in a few minutes (the last person I want to talk to). he and my mother in law are going on a cruise and we are keeping his dog.

I decided to come home. When i got home, I slept for almost 2 hours. Apparently, i needed to sleep!

I called to see if i had any messages at work -- none.

Cory calls from work and says that he has had a bad day. My stomach sank to the floor. He works at a bank in a training program to be an operations supervisor. he was put on probation about a month ago for some problems he has had while working at the teller window. He has been doing so well, and now, he calls to tell me that his drawer is short. Apparently they told him he had a limit on being short and he is $4 below that limit.

He tells me that he is more stressed than i have ever seen him. he feels like he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. when he gets like this, especially about his jobs/work, he starts talking about leaving and finding another job.

All the while, I am screaming on the inside. HE has the insurance coverage through his job. No one will pick us up with me being pregnant. not only that, but I cannot handle this any more. I am the one having the breakdown because I feel like my husband can't keep it together to provide for our family. it's not just about the income, it really is about the insurance AND the fact that he has jumped from job to job trying to find what he wants to do. he is so impulsive that he will quit and move to another type of job without really thinking it through.

He keeps talking about "nervous breakdowns" and such. I know what that means. i am relying on him to be strong, and apparently, he doesn't have the emotional strength to carry us. I can't say anything or any of this because he will blow up at me. i can't even be my "counselor self" and just reflect his feelings back to him because my feelings are all tied up in this too. I can't be his therapist and that's what he needs. i can't even tell him to go see a therapist. i've tried and he won't do it.

I have to get myself under control before he gets home because now I have to try to be the strong one. I don't know what else to do.

I am paralized by exhaustion. I can't get anything done because I can't think clearly.

I really need to figure out this tired/sleepy thing. I drank about 1/2 a cup of coffee yesterday and that helped me. I really don't want to do start drinking coffee/caffine regularly. I wonder if I have started some sort of viscious cycle. I take two benadryl at night to control my allergies (breathing in dust/dust mites from pillows and bed). It helps me sleep, too, I am sure. I just don't know if I have lingering sleepiness from that. Then I drink coffee to pep me up. Cycle starts again.

I'm not sure if that's what it is or if I am tired from being pregnant. Everything I read in my books on pregnancy applies to singletons. It's not completely different with two, it's just difficult to get a sense of what I am supposed to be feeling and when. For example, in the first trimester, I felt tired. Then in the second trimester I got a little more energy. Do I go back to being tired now that I am in the third trimester? I realize that everyone has a different experience.

Trying to get some work done. Yet again, I just want to clean my office. I need to throw away about half of it. I am in a throw away/get rid of mood.

I am tired and apparently cranky. Said something passive aggressive to Cory as he was walking out the door. Not a good way to start the day.

I have to meet with another doctor today. he is not a pediatrician, but he is a family doctor that can care for all of us. he is currently my doctor. Cory keeps wanting me to also check with his doctor, but I keep putting it off because I want to go somewhere close. if the kids are sick (and especially if either of us are also sick) i do not want to travel to the other end of town. I discovered last night that there is a pediatric office actually within walking distance from my house. The practice was recommended by several people (including the doctor I talked to yesterday).

the pediatrician i met with yesterday seemed to have little self confidence. he barely looked me in the eye when he talked to me. a couple of things would still keep him on the list for consideration: he has great office hours, 11 am - 8 pm and he has a great record of careful prescribing of antibiotics. so, i won't really know until i meet with the others. i might stop by the one near my house to make an appointment before i go to work.

I need to stop being so unfocused! Now I have some energy (probably from the 1/2 cup of coffee I just drank), and I can't focus the energy into productivity. I just sit and surf the web. argh!

I really want to clean my office (nesting), but I have work to do. Ok, going to start with the zoo project and go from there.

I am here at work yet again. I am tired for some reason. I go to bed at the same time, or even earlier, wake up at the same time, and I am exhausted before I even finish getting ready for work.

I have so much to do before lunch today that I do not know where to start.

I think I need to cut my hair even shorter because it still gets in my face and i still want to pull it up all the time. I guess it's time to get the "mommy" haircut.

Geez i am tired!

This is a cool game! Thanks Cathy.

Here are my top 5 values:

My most important value is:
Integrity (honest, sincerity, standing up for oneself)
For me this means you will be yourself even if it hurts you to go against the majority.

Another value is Family Happiness
For me this means you love and receive love from your family unconditionally.

Another value is Religion/Spirituality (strong religious/spiritual beliefs)
For me this means you have found meaning and purpose in your life.

Another value is Friendship (Close relationship with others)
For me this means you have support from outside of your family. People with integrity who surround you.

Another value is Wisdom (discovering and understanding knowledge, etc)
And this means Wisdom is about knowledge but it is also about application of that knowledge and the consequences of those applications.

this morning has been so busy! We had a great staff meeting that was very productive. i hope we can keep this momentum going. I brought chocolate, and I think that helped grease the wheels and temper the attitudes.

i handed off a task to our intern that i really didn't want to do because i have so much else to do. i need to eat lunch because i am feeling sick to my stomach. ooo... bad feeling!

This afternoon's meeting should be very interesting. people are being passive agressive and weird. i am greatly looking forward to it.

A friend from college called earlier and we talked for awhile. he is an interesting character, to put it mildly. he went to graduate school and then enlisted in the army because he "wanted to shoot at people" (his words). needless to say, his phone calls are interesting.

i went for a walk with the dog. there weren't many people at the park (i guess they were all at church?). some hispanic men were playing soccer and their wives/girlfriends and children were sitting in the shade watching. they were really the only other people there. it was good to get the exercise.

i FINALLY made dinner. spaghetti with pre-made sauce and pre-packaged salad. yes, i am not very creative.

i need to go see what my husband is doing outside. i hear lots of noise and want to make sure nothing is destroyed.

My evil husband brought home a bag of Toffee and Almond Hershey's Kisses last week. They are sitting in front of the computer. They call my name and I obligingly eat 5 or 6 in as many seconds.

i sat down to blog because I am starving and I can't bear fixing something to eat. i don't want to fix anything because i don't want to have to clean up the mess after i eat. dang i am lazy. (2 more kisses jumped out of the bag on their own!)

About last night...

We went to the Italian Street fair and the Dogwood Arts Festival to spend most of our time just sitting/standing around. Cory ate the whole time we were there. Sophie B. Hawkins played a concert at about 9 pm that night. I am still having lower back pain because i did too much yesterday. We took Jackie with us to the fair and she was a big hit. She did so well with the young children and even the babies that wanted to pet her. This one baby was fascinated by her and kept looking at her and reaching for her. Jackie just let the babies and children bash her about the face and didn't open her mouth to nip once. I hope this is a good sign for how she will be with our boys. So the festival didn't feel very festive to me because I can't do much at this point. I think i'll bow out of anything like that for awhile.

I played handbells this morning at church. I hope I didn't mess up too much because i sure did miss some notes that I was supposed to play. I enjoy playing, but I'm not very good at it. That makes me more frustrated than anything. At least it's not competitive. We have one more time we are scheduled to play before the summer break. Then i am probably not going to play again for a loooong time.

I should probably take the dog for a walk. maybe if i do that, i'll be able to force myself to fix dinner when I get home.

We hit the "mother load" (yes, pun intended) at the yard sales today. Actually, one sale in particular had tons of maternity clothes and boy baby clothes. Perfect! One sale advertised in the paper was supposed to be a 20 family sale in this one particuluar subdivision neighborhood. We drove thru the entire neighborhood and didn't see anything. My mom asks, "Is this sale today?" I look at the paper and said, "Uh, nope. It's next Saturday. Poor old dumb me!" At least now we will know where it is!

Some people do not know how to have garage sales. Their prices are too high and therefore, they will end up keeping all of their stuff. Cory and I sold a ton of our junk at our sale because we sold everything for a 50 cents or a quarter.

I is a glorious day today, and it has greatly affected my mood for the better. i was worn out when i got home, but a short rest helped.

Rossini and Italian food tonight! (hmmm.. maybe i shouldn't wear a white shirt to eat italian food at a street fair????)

More news on the antidepressant/suicide link investigation by the FDA.

the dog just threw her ball from her mouth onto the side of the washer. it's hilarious when she throws her toys to herself.

I didn't have much to say yesterday, did I?

Now you may be asking yourself, why is she up at 6:45 am on a Saturday? (if you aren't asking yourself that, now you are!). Two words: garage sales! Two more words: no clothes. Yes, I am growing so large that some of my maternity clothes no longer fit. I am concerned that the maternity underwear may not be big enough for the final stages of pregnancy.

Later today we are going to the Rossini Festival. I'm glad we are going this evening so that it might not be as hot as it is going to be later today. We finally hit 80 degrees today! (I may not be as excited later).

Today marks the end of the 26th week of pregnancy for us. I said all I wanted to say this morning in my pregnancy journal.

I am finally home now. Cory and i went to eat since he had to drive out to the west part of town to work at church. He's one of the very few men I know who will work in a church nursery even when he doesn't have his own kids there. Until i became pregnant, we had no kids or none on the way. he's pretty cool like that and will be a great dad.

The dog, Jackie, keeps coming up to me and whining at me. i really don't know what she wants.

it is a glorious day outside, but what am i doing? sitting inside or lying on the bed. after work, i am often just wiped out.

it's a good tv night tonight. thanks to the president, it's almost TOO good. many of my shows overlap. i think Friends is new and after that is the Apprentice. on Fox is American idol and a show i started watching on vacation, Tru Calling. After the Apprentice is over tonight, i will definately cut down on tv.

Jackie is whining again. I better go figure out what's up

I did not listen to the President's press conference on Tuesday night. I called friend in the middle of it and she had it on. I told her that I could not listen to that man talk. Here is the proof: Tom Tomorrow's Blog.

Just try to read this and make sense of it. The man talks in circles. If I were one of his advisors, I would advise him to never speak in public again!

It's been a pretty uneventful day so far. There are some noisy birds outside my office, but at least it is nature and not cars or something smoggy like that.

I had a list of things to talk to the boss about, last on the list was maternity leave. he ran out of time to talk to me (but apparently can spend time talking to other people on the phone) so I didn't get to that one on my list. I guess that is ok because I am wavering on my initial decision to leave in 9 weeks. I might make it longer than that, and then I've used up my time. I wish I had some idea about when these little guys would be born! It sure would make my life a lot easier.

I think my hormones are helping me to feel sorry for myself. I'm sure that people are tired of hearing all about my pregnancy, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to once in awhile, especially when my husband is at work. i get pretty lonely. wah, poor me. at least i have the dog. if i didn't have her, i would be depressed for sure.

I feel much better today. Well, except for the fact that I feel my belly expanding.

I found some information about labor with twins that was encouraging. My fears about the "worst case scenario" are alayed by the fact that combined vaginal/c-section only happens in about 3-4% of the cases of twin delivery.

I don't have anywhere to go today for work so I expect that I can get a lot done. I just am not sure where to start. I need to make a list so I guess i'll start there.

I was up in energy level for a little while, but now I am down again. It takes effort and brain power that I do not have to just have a phone conversation. I feel like I am in a fog.

Oh my goodness! Look at the bellies of these women! Take a look at the one who is last on the list, at 38 weeks and 45 cm fundal height. I am currently at 26 cm fundal height.

I am wiped out.

I feel like I am back in the first trimester of this pregnancy. I was tired all the time for seemingly no reason. (other than being pregnant)

I did not blog yesterday because I was at an all day conference. When I got home, I did not feel like doing anything other than lying on the couch.

The nesting instinct is getting more pronounced. Cory had to work at the part-time job last night so I was pining away for him while he was gone. He got to leave early, though. He did something to his neck/back that made it difficult for him to move without pain. Kind of hard to do a job with a lot of lifting when you are hurt like that. so they let him go home.

i have so much work to do today and I am just not up to it. I wonder if I would be allowed to go home early. I still need to get my hours in so i guess i would have to go home, take a long nap and then do some work from home.

I have formulated a better plan for my leave from work. I'm going to plan to have my work/projects completed (or in an updated state) by the end of May (33 weeks gestation). I will discuss with the boss the idea that my last day be June 11 (35 weeks gestation). That is, if I have not been put on bed rest or gone into labor before then. That's nine weeks from now. Yesterday when I formulated this plan, I thought that seemed pretty soon. Today, I feel like 9 weeks is a LOOONG time.

What really concerns me is my drive to work. For the past several working days, I have felt so sleepy on my way to work that it was difficult for me to keep my eyes open. It takes me about 30 minutes to get to work. To me, this is not very safe. I really don't understand why I am so tired (other than the pregnancy). I slept for 8 hours and I rested yesterday evening after work. Cory thinks that I need to excercise more, and I probably do. I just don't know.

Doc visit went well. I learned my lesson: make appointments for the early morning! I decided to stay with this doctor after hearing his responses to my questions today. I did forget to ask a pretty important question, but I'll check with him on it next time. Now that he has met my doula, I think things will go better.

I have to go back in three weeks for a glucose tolerance test and an ultrasound. I will probably take the day off because I will be there all morning, and then I will probably be grouchy afterwards. I have to fast for the glucose test. yippee. I told my mom about it and she said that after she had the test, she went to Cracker Barrell and ate a plate of biscuits!

I think the boys are moving a lot more than they have been. They moved around A LOT yesterday. The doc said my uterus is the size of a full term singleton pregnancy right now. I'm not due for 3 1/2 more months!

i don't have my doc appt until 8:45 but here I am at 7:15 halfway ready. my mom bought me this cute shirt that I had planned on wearing today. however, it seems that most of the clothes from the Motherhood maternity store are low cut and ill fitting in the chest area. i guess the size of my belly is not proportional to the size of my boobs right now. i'll have to try to find a safety pin.

Cory is in a strange snappy mood this morning. oh oh, i think he just ran out of hot water too.... not a good start to the morning.

About the grandmother thing...

My aunt called me several months ago and said that she would like to give us a shower at her church (this is the church where I grew up and I know a lot of people there still). the date she picks and (sort of) asks me about is May 15. i say, "that may be too late if i have to go on bed rest." she says "oh we'll just have it without you." great. ok.

Then we find out that my brother Eli is graduating from college on the same day. can't have it then. my grandmother calls me and says that in talking to my aunt, that she can't plan another shower until June. i say, "well, i will probably not be able to come and the babies may even be here by then." she kept pressing me and asking me about dates. i said april or may would probably be better. she said that my aunt wouldn't be able to do anything until June because of trying to deal with my cousin's problems (this is another story for another time). as far as i know, there has not been a shower planned. when my grandmother told my mom about the "situation," my mom says, "well, i think they were really counting on that shower."

so saturday my grandmother keeps pestering me with "what else do you need? what else do you need?" i'm trying to tell her that i really don't know because i am having another shower in a couple of weeks. according to my mom, she had to hear my grandmother say this much more than i did; they rode together to the shower. i asked my mom why she thought she was being that way. her theory is that my grandmother feels guilty about the shower and wants to buy her way out of it. that was my theory, too. i'm glad that we concur on the insanity of the rest of my family.

it's not that i am greedy or anything. i just think it is pretty crappy for your own family to say they will do this for you and then back out because someone else's problems are so huge. they just want to have the crisis du jour to make them feel better. don't get me wrong, i love my family, but it is pretty hurtful for them to be this way. i feel bad for my mom because this is her mother and her sister that are acting this way. she keeps saying, "shame on them."

i want to say something to them, but i'm not sure what. my aunt called one day the week after our vacation and i was not feeling well. she said, "ok i'll call back some other time and we can talk about Savannah and babies." what does that mean? i suppose that i could call her and ask if they were still planning on having the shower. i might do that.

Today has been busy away from the computer. Sometimes it is good to have a break from the screens and just live real life.

I planned on waking at 6:30 but the dog had different plans. Cory had to work at Lowe's today, damn greedy capitalists. He was pretty upset about it since the whole store had only 10 customers until after lunch. if they had to be open, they could open at noon so that people could be with their families or go to church, if they so choose.

i went to the early early service at 8:30 and sang in choir. the babies like to hear one particular soloist and he sang today. they clapped and danced :)

i called my mom on the way home because she was making lunch. she was frantic to get the ham cooking and then get to church. i told her that i could go over to her house and finish up. i went there and got things going so that it would be ready when everyone got there.

i'll have to write later about the weird family stuff that's been going on with my grandmother (mom's mom). she cooked lunch too after mom invited them over. she claimed that it would be too many people. i'll explain later.

i stayed there at mom's until about 4:30. cory got off work early and now we are at home working on babies' room.

blog tomorrow probably late. I have a doctor's appt. AM. fun. oh, the doula is coming too so this should be interesting. i'll have A LOT to say tomorrow :)

Damn! Why can't Jimmy Carter run for president again?

I'm bored.

I started cleaning the bathroom, but for some reason, I just can't make myself finish. Upon analysis, I think that I avoid cleaning the bathroom because it never is completely "clean." The toilet used to leak, so now the floor around the toilet is discolored. When we moved in, the previous owners had some nasty mildew growing in the tub. We removed the caulk and re-caulked. I must have not done the caulk properly because now the caulk is pulling away and eroding, bringing the mildew back. I have a sneaking suspicion that if we took the backsplash off of the wall, that there would be massive mildew/mold growths all over the place. This is why the bathroom is not ever "clean."

I would love to have the money for a bathroom remodel. It's not a big bathroom by anyone's standards. My house growing up was only about 200 sq. ft. bigger than this one, but i think the extra was all in the bathroom :)

i have things that I can do, i just am craving some human company and conversation. not that i have anything in particular to talk about, but i'm just bored. baby just kicked :)

No one has blogged yet today. People are out of town or still asleep, I guess.

I found this horrifying article in my email. Child antidepressant use is on the rise.

I find this horrifying on many levels.
1. Why are children under 5 taking these meds?
2. Why aren't children and teens of all ages getting psychotherapy?
3. Why don't people take the insurance companies on and battle them over the lack of coverage for psychotherapy? I see this as the biggest battle that mental health advocates have yet to take on in any real effort. Yes, there is the battle for mental health coverage to have parity with physical health coverage. But does that really address this issue?

Our society is quick to jump to the easy and quick fix. Medication for psychiatric problems is important, but it's not a silver bullet. Therapy is hard work. It can also be expensive. But so can hospital stays and suicide attempts and deaths by suicide.

I could go on and on, but it will just make me angry.

Time for breakfast!

i took a nap sooner than later! I've been asleep for about 2 hours now. I feel much better!

Yesterday was a very busy day! I woke up the same time i normally do when i go to work. Cory did not have the day off, but I did. I made breakfast and got him off to work. I took the dog to the vet for a nail clipping and medication pick up. I went to the store for household items and then went to Lowe's for some comparison pricing. I ended up buying one small plant that I still have yet to put in the ground.

At home I did some laundry and then slept for about 45 minutes until my mom and my brother came over. Cody mowed the yard and mom put up the border in the babies' room. I hope we get the bedding from someone at the shower because it looks incomplete with out it. Cory assumes that the room is finished, but he does not have my vision :) He would live in a place with blank walls and be fine.

We did some other assorted things around the house and outside. I was wiped out when they left. I took another short nap then got up for a shower. I made dinner when Cory came home and then as he left to pick up an ice cream treat (!), his dad and his dad's wife show up. (we don't call her a step mom because this is the third or fourth wife his dad has had!). They brought gifts for the babies because they weren't coming to the shower. The funny thing is, Pam was invited to the shower, even though it is hosted by Cory's family (who do not like his dad). She broke her hip several mos. ago and still has a hard time getting around without help.

Anyway, that's the rundown of yesterday. Needless to say, I was wiped out!

Now I don't know what to do with today. I still need to do a little laundry. I could vacuum. I could read. I don't want to watch tv. I could take the dog for a walk later, it is chilly outside.

What sucks about being pregnant is that you get this strong "nesting" urge to straigten and clean and such. The sucky part is that you are physically unable to do much of that. And for me, I am independent and could do it all on my own if my body would let me. But i have to stop too far short of what I want to accomplish.

We have the shower today, and I am looking forward to it. I should probably conserve my energy for that because the people that will be there will be a bunch of yakky women from Cory's family and his mom's friends. I've discussed the mother in law before. When they gave us a wedding shower I just came home completely overwhelmed. I DO not fit in with that. A bunch of busybody cackling hens. I'll have to have my diplomatc mind in gear to deal with inappropriate questions and discussions. I WILL NOT discuss the doctor issue in public. That's nobody's business. I have a feeling she will ask or say something though. "I prefer to not discuss this now," will be my response. I'll have to warn Cory to not talk about it either. I'm glad that he will be there and so will my mom.

I'll have to blog about yesterday later.

Cory has to be at work at 6 am. I got up to feed the dog and help him get ready if needed. We went to bed pretty early so I am not tired right now. I'll probably take a nap later. We have a baby shower today!

I must have just had a burst of energy. i cleaned the kitchen, folded some laundry, did a load of laundry, put away folded laundry and straightened the bedroom. i need to go to bed now! I have a lot more to do tomorrow. mom and cody are coming over at some point tomorrow. cody will mow the yard and maybe wash my car. mom is going to help me with putting the border up in the nursery.

My hands and feet are so swolen. I decided to try the choir thing tonight. The robes are almost unbearably hot. We have new ones so they are much lighter than the old, but still an extra layer of clothing does not help the pregnant lady. I did OK singing, and it did feel good to be there. Everyone is so supportive and kind. If you don't want attention, don't ever get pregnant!

As you can deduce, I did not go straight home. Cory and I went out to eat at a Mexican place that we've never been to. It was goooood! Like I said, food drives my day.

The boys get really excited when they hear the organ play at church. They also like the music in general. they moved the most they've moved all day when we were sitting in the service, mainly when there was music.

My doula asked about their positioning. We want them to be head down for the birth so that they can have the optimal conditions for vaginal delivery. She told me to get some couch cushions and elevate my legs and butt. Then I should play some music on some headphones way down low on my uterus. The thinking is that they will move down to hear the music. She said it was an "old midwife trick." Hey, I'll do anything to get them to do what I want! I haven't done it yet because I don't know where my headphones are. i was also thinking about making a CD with some music specifically for them. i want to put a lot of different music on the CD so that they will grow up to like many different varieties of music -- just like their mommy!

Going home in a minute.

This is a great essay, especially if you are a parent (or will be one soon!). Click on the one titled "Reflections." Thanks to KristyK!

People must have already left their jobs for the day. I'm not getting any response to some email's I've sent about various projects.

Here is my positive thought for the day: our Kiwanis Mini Golf tournament is going well. I got a donation/hole sponsor from sending an email to everyone that I know in the area. I am in charge of coordinating that event. I was concerned about the club involvment because last year was a disaster. We are doing well so far this year. I need to send another email to them to pump them up some more.

I noticed a few minutes ago that my ankles are swolen. I don't know if this has happened before because i've been wearing shoes/socks that cover them. I shut the door to my office, turned the lights out and put my feet up on the desk for a few. I need to put a box under my feet so that they will stay elevated.

When I met with my doula, she told me that I should try to walk at least a mile 3 times a week. The state mental hospital has a nice walking trail, and I happened to have a meeting there yesterday. I ended up walking 1 1/2 miles. That trail is too hilly for me to do right now. It was a real workout for me. I used to walk that trail pretty regularly when we lived in a nearby apartment. I could walk the 2 1/4 miles in about 40-45 minutes (still pretty slow, but not so bad for me). It took me 40 minutes to walk that mile and a half yesterday. I'm going to stick to trails that are flat from now on!

I went to choir practice after that and that was my second workout! I had not been to a full rehearsal in several weeks because of our vacation. I also did not sing the cantata on Palm Sunday because they stand the whole time. Not happening. I really wanted to sing on Easter, but I don't know if I can do it. I was so tired. I was miffed at the fact that I can't be very loud because I can't fill up my lungs. I'm going to have to ask Jane if I can sit on the end of the row. She HAS to always have the end seat. I normally do not mind, but it would help me a lot if I could. I was planning to quit choir after Easter, but I may not even be able to sing then. There is a Maundy Thursday service tonight and the choir is doing one piece. I think i'll try to do that.

It is really annoying that I have to give up one of my favorite things because I am pregnant. Singing is my outlet, and I have been blessed to find a church with a choir that is extremely talented. We do pieces that I did in high school and college. Not very easy.

I love to be challenged while simultaneously doing something that helps me relieve my stress. Sometimes I go to rehearsal just wiped out from the day's events. I think, "I don't know if I can do this tonight." Then, I get in the groove singing and when it's over, I am so energized. Leaving the choir, even if it is not permanent, is not going to be easy for me.

I gave the dog a bath last night and she ran in circles around the house after I let her out of the bathroom. I think my next job will be as a dog psychologist.

TGIT! Off tomorrow! that's what will keep me going today. I need to eat lunch and i'll blog again in a little bit. Food drives my day these days.

I feel like my email inbox is cluttered with stuff I should reply to but don't have the focus to do so. I can't keep all of my projects straight sometimes.

I need to do some work.. got too much to do to sit here and blog unfortunately. but i'm going to look at my baby registries first :)

I've spent the first hour of my day picking up the slack for people who don't want to work. Not the people in my office but people on a community coalition organizing (or disorganizing) the zoo event. It is very appropriate for us to have this event at the zoo; that's what this committee feels like -- a zoo.

If I send you something in Excel, don't copy it to the body of an email and send it back. duh.

I met with my doula last night. It made me feel much better. I need her support so that I can know what my choices are for birth. I am keeping my Monday appointment with my current OB/GYN, and she is coming with me. I have a LOOONG list of questions for him that she and I discussed last night. I feel more in control of things and she gave me some good ideas. One of them was to be more positive in the things I write in this blog. I'll put something positive in here everyday (or at least try). Being a social worker and knowing just a little about human psychology, I KNOW that being positive helps your attitude and your mental health. Getting there is a little more difficult. For me, what makes being positive difficult is when I have physical pain.

I talked to my boss yesterday again about a decision on working from home. He has not discussed it with the board yet and said that he would have to do that. I don't want to pressure him for a decision, but I need to know something soon. I have a feeling this will be a play it by ear thing. That's how everything is for him.

I tried to call my mom at work but I can't get ahold of her. I wanted to talk to her about meeting with the doula.

More later....

2 down, 2 to go... Two co workers are out sick. One has back problems and could barely walk yesterday. The other started puking here at work and just left. In a small office of only four people, it gets very quiet when two are gone. Sometimes... then the phone could just ring off the hook... it hasn't done that, yet.

I did have a woman call who was so wigged out that she was sobbing when she called and couldn't stop. I hope I connected her to some help she can get TODAY. The mental health system sucks.

I've put off working on the Zoo event for Children's Mental Health week for this afternoon. I've been working on another event that is the weekend before the zoo event. I am feeling overwhelmed. This is the wrong time for me to feel stressed and overwhelmed. so I am just going to do one thing at a time and let it go. I can't control the outcome of everything I'm involved in. A lot of this stuff is done in committees and coalitions and if everyone does not pull their weight, then they can only blame themselves.

I made some phone calls to some other doctors and I have one consultation appointment set up. I wish that i didn't have to make an appointment because going to the doctor takes up so much time. I'm not switching hospitals, just doctors. I need to find a doctor who is doula-friendly and who can consider the possibility of not destroying my body. I think that my cynical outlook on life makes me think that a lot of what happens in childbirth is unnecessary. Doctors are so busy they just want to do whatever will get you out of there as quick as possible. So procedures like episiotomies and cesarean sections are seen as the "norm." And they really don't have to be. I just can't seem to move past the fact that I wanted to use a midwife and I just can't do that now. I HATE feeling out of control like that.

I went home from work last night and cried. It felt really good. Cory held me for a little while and that helped A LOT. We were supposed to go to a movie but we decided that it would be better for me not to sit that long anymore.

I think my emotions have been so out of control because I am struggling with the decision to change doctors. I told my mother in law I was thinking about changing and apparently she took that as a license to tell other people. Other than having this very public diary on the internet, I am a private person when it comes to my business. I don't want everyone to know, even if they are "trying to help." Usually trying to help means you didn't ask me if I wanted your help. She told her niece, who works in the health care field, about my thoughts. So the niece chimes in that she didn't think that a doctor would take me so late in pregnancy. HELLO! I am the consumer here. If I want to switch then I should be able to do it.

So here is my dilemma: am I being irrational in wanting to change doctors? I need to decide soon so I'm going to make some phone calls and try to get some answers today. I meet with my doula tonight. She is a very wise woman so I'll talk to her about this too.

I'll write some about the stupidity here at work later.

We gave our friend Vicky a great book as a gift when we visited the other day. it is the Little Big Book for Moms. She recommended this poem by Rudyard Kipling. I am in such a state that I almost cried.

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!


--Rudyard Kipling

I am having trouble sitting for long periods of time. I feel like crying but being at work really keeps me from allowing myself to do that. I just want to lie down. I am so whiny today.

my co worker went to get a massage. her back is giving her a lot of trouble. I wish that I had the money to get a massage. I wish i had the time to call all of the places i need to call for work AND for myself.

gotta go make more calls.

I just can't take it today. I thought that it would be a good day where I could do some work, go to a meeting, do some more work and then go home. but no, there is more and more baggage to carry around because of work.

finally we have a staff meeting after about 3 months of not having one. then we are told that the agency won't pay for any meals in Knox co. (where the office is) if we are working within the county. that's fine if you had told me that BEFORE i have a lunch meeting today. what if i didn't have any money? what if i didn't bring my lunch? i can't take the lack of management. just when i think things are going well, my expectations rise, and then they are shot down again. i should just stick to my mantra of having NO expectaions and I won't be disappointed. I need to talk to my boss about having some notice on things like that but i need to calm down first.

at the lunch meeting where i had to buy my own lunch, there was more stupidity. the person doing exhibits says "if i didn't have an address for an agency, i didn't contact them. i don't have time to go and find addresses for people." we have 10 exhibitors at an event that in the past has had 25-30 exhibitors. it is going to suck. again i say, poo on people who don't pull their weight and don't want to work. if she didn't have the time then she shouldn't have volunteered. or how hard is it to send an email with a list of agencies asking for help in getting addresses. jeez. i feel like the whole world is stupid today.

Just when I think I'm having a bad day, i read other's blogs and realize that my problems are miniscule.

i started organizine the babies' clothes and things we've already received. my mom is loving buying clothes for these boys. we are having a shower this weekend and I'm excited to see what we get.

i didn't sleep well last night because of pain i am having in the pelvic area again. i guess i should tell my doctor about it. i'm getting more tired sitting here. i better finish getting ready and get on the road.

I think I was really tired last night. It had been a long day sitting in that birthing class and then i went to a movie with a friend. Not much rest in there. The birthing class was a lot of good information, but I think that it was quite overwhelming. I wonder if that's why Cory kept falling asleep.

I slept for about 10 hours last night and I think I made up for some sleep loss I've accumulated. My emotions go down when I am tired. Which concerns me because I'm going to be very tired when these boys are here.

I'm getting ready to go to church this morning. The choir is doing the Palm Sunday Cantata. I am not in it because it is a lot of standing in hot robes and singing which is difficult now that my lungs are compressed.

I compared bellies with the women in the class yesterday. Most of them were due in the next 3 mos. I am supposedly due in July. I was the same size as them, and bigger than some of them. We watched a video of twins being born at the very end of the class. The woman in the video was HUGE. (and she was taller than I so she had more room) She also had the "perfect" birth. Both twins were born vaginally with no complications. I need to watch those Discovery Health Channel births because they show a lot of women with birth complications. i don't need any more "perfection" to live up to in my mind. I can't wait until these babies are here because I'm tired of just talking about pregnancy and childbirth. Then all i'll talk about are my children.

I guess I can do this. I, I don't know, I think I am just feeling in over my head. I feel like I am absolutely clueless. I feel like I am stumbling through all of this by myself. Cory kept falling asleep in the childbirth class today. Not that I blame him because I wanted to sleep during the afternoon after lunch, too. And i know that he has been working his ass off to help us make it financially. I"m just a little disappointed.

And it's not just his level of involvement that makes me feel alone. I have a lot of support and supportive people, especially women, but i just feel ... alone.

Writing this makes me realize that I've felt this way before. And I finally had to go to therapy to deal with it. my god, i hope i am not depressed again.

I got to see my friend and former co worker today. Her name is Vicky. She just had a baby boy about 7 weeks ago and his name is Jackson. She looked good, a little tired, but she looks like she never was pregnant.

I mentioned this to Cathy the other day, but I just keep having thoughts and fears about how my body is going to be destroyed or mutilated when I have these babies. I've never had major surgery (I had tubes put in my ears when they still did it as inpatient and I've had wisdom teeth removed) and I've never had stitches (well, in my mouth after the wisdom teeth).

I see myself in about 3 different scenarios during childbirth:
1. I'll be able to have both babies vaginally, but will have to have an episiotomy. Along with hemerroids and some other fun stuff.
2. I'll have the first one vaginally and then the second one will not be in a position to be born vaginally and I'll have to have a c-section. So, I'll have the same issues mentioned above with the vaginal birth AND I'll have to recover from the cesarian.
3. Neither baby will be in a position to be born vaginally or there will be some other complications with labor and I'll have to have both by c-section. I'll have to take care of 2 babies while trying to recover from major abdominal surgery. PLUS the fact that they will probably have some breathing problems since their little lungs don't get the fluid squeezed out like they would if they were born vaginally.

Not that I think chlidbirth is fun or is a breeze, I just am unable to fathom this bodily harm and THEN having TWO babies to care for. How am I going to do this? I feel like crying now.

I keep thinking, "well, women do this all the time, every day, and have done it since the beginning of time." I think my anxiety is kicking in again. We have an all day childbirth preparation class tomorrow, and I hope that I will possibly feel better about some of this after that class.

I've been busy this morning, but I've not done a lot of work. I am going to visit an old friend and co worker this afternoon. she just had a baby boy and is still at home.

I am frustrated with this Zoo event, much like Cathy. I agreed to just do the entertainment this year. I am now doing a lot of the exhibitors as well. I just got a very confusing email from the person who is supposed to be doing the exhibitors. I asked her for some contact names for some of the agencies on the exhibit list. She replies, "No these were people who the team thought would be a good fit to do a booth. I have nothing else. Sorry" WHAT?? I don't get it.

anyway, i better get back to working on this. we only have about 7 or 8 exhibitors and it's going to look silly at our event with just that many people there. poo on people who don't like to work.

True Colors

I think that I am blue, green, orange, gold -- in that order.

I've done the Kiersey test before and i am an Idealist -- which is blue.

I want to blog some more, but i burnt my thumb and first finger on my left hand making dinner. it makes it hard to type because i am in constant pain unless something cold is on my fingers. it is too hard to type one handed. i type with all of my fingers on the correct keys so it is even harder. these burns really hurt worse than any i've ever had. any tips?

one more blog before I go home

I actually get to spend the evening with my husband! wow! he has worked both jobs for 3 days in a row and has tonight off from the part-time job.

I have to meet with my Healthy Families person tonight. She is going to help me with some prenatal/pregnancy/birth/parenting information. If I want, we can participate in the program for free until the boys are 5 years old or they go to school. I hope she has some good stuff. Maybe she can help me get on WIC.

The mood around the office was pretty good today. Even though we had a board meeting, i think everyone is trying harder to get along, or at least act like adults.

ok, i'm going to make the trek home. my commute should only take about 15 minutes if you go by the miles, but it really takes me about 30-45 minutes because of the road construction.

Tennessee state animal: the orange and white road barrel.

I feel like today has been a productive day.

oh, i am so tired today. What did I say yesterday? Yes, that this sleep deprivation would catch up with me after a day.

I put out a plea for help with the twins to the church choir yesterday. Several people have responded. I find that the church choir is an interesting study in human behavior. There is one woman who claims a seat in the alto section, middle of the front row all the time. She has a very powerful voice. Not a voice that I would call very pretty, and she often sings so loud that she is a little under the pitch.

So last night at rehearsal, I get there and I try to sit on the end of the row so that I can escape easily. I like to sit on the front row because I can hear the piano better, and I can SEE (you see, i am short, yes, even when I sit down!)

So it is just me and this other woman on the front row. I think that nobody likes to sit next to her because she is so loud. Everyone else sat behind us. I had to leave early so she was the only one on the front row. I get the feeling that people also do not like her because she can be pretty bossy and controlling. If you feel that way, don't leave her sitting alone on the front row! You kind of feel like the "leader" if you are up front like that.

Ok, nobody who reads this will probably get what I am saying because you don't know these people. I guess I just don't have much to write about today.