I really, really, really should have gone to bed much earlier. I have to go to work tomorrow and I will be hurting for sleep. I had to make some additions to my blog so of course that is the priority over sleep.

My doula is going out of town for the week. I hope I do not need her. I don't think I will. As much as I hurt and swell and tire, I just don't think they are coming this week. I HOPE they don't. It is still too early. It is good to talk to my doula. She helps me keep things in perspective. So does my mom. They both said today that I am doing very well for carrying twins. I'm not on bed rest and I haven't had any problems. Everyone is amazed, including myself. I thought that from all of this recent stress that something was going to happen too early, but it hasn't.

Cory has pretty much nixed all of my ideas for creating more space in this tiny house. Apparently it all has to be on his terms. I can't have a creative thought without him thinking that I am absolutely crazy. I think he resents me on some level. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I make more money than he does. He says one of the things he loves about me is that I am a smart, thinking woman. But then I often feel like I get torn down and my ideas are just "out there" to him. On the other hand, his ideas can be really unrealistic. For example, he talked about putting the swings away when we weren't using them. "We won't be using them 24 hours a day, will we?" Uh, well, um, MAYBE! I am NOT dragging two swings to the garage every day. If he wants to do that, then he can. Yet again, he has NO CONCEPT of how this all works. I guess I was lucky enough to have a brother born when I was in 8th grade. I was old enough to remember a lot of this. Ok, enough about that.

So I went to the home improvement store and bought a couple of baskets for organizing the changing table shelves and an ironing board caddy. Yes, I did mount it to the wall myself. I think it looks much neater here in our laundry/computer room. If he doesn't like it, then he can fill in the holes in the wall. I'm tired of having everything scattered about like we live in a college dorm.

My childhood anxieties still haunt me.

Last night, Cody told me that there were tornado watches east of us and moving this way. I figured that the storms would hit in the middle of the night or early this morning, and they did.

As a child, I had nightmares and anxieties about dying or being caught in a natural disaster or a fire. I had never experienced such a disaster, so you can't call it post-traumatic stress. I did read at one time that children can show signs of generalized anxiety disorder through fears such as mine.

I rationalize my fears now because in recent years (last year in fact) our area has been hit by some fierce storms. Last year, I almost got caught in a tornado that hit near my office.

So last night, I turned on the TV when I heard the thunder and lightening. There were watches and warnings, but no tornado. We would probably never get one as strong as they do in the midwest, but I'm not taking any chances.

Cody slept on the couch, and he told me this morning that he turned on the TV too. He has the same fears that I did (do).

So now it is cool outside and wet and could rain again today. It makes me want to crawl into bed for my second nap of the day. I think I will clean some of the junk out of my car and have Cody help me take the recycling once Cory leaves for work. The bed is calling my name...

I feel much better today after being home, cleaning the kitchen, getting some rest, talking to my mom, and accomplishing some things on my to-do lists. My anxiety goes up when I feel completely out of control and unprepared for the coming events. It also helped immensely to hear from Keri. (Hi Keri, if you are reading this, thanks for calling!) Apparently another friend, Beth, called me while we were away, and I need to call her back. I don't know if Beth reads this or not? Rachael is the only one of my college friends who leaves me comments. Hi Rachael!

I went to my mom's and she made BLT's for dinner. They were really good! Cody came up with another gem tonight, "Your name was in our church bulletin."
Me: "What for?"
Cody: "Your shower. I don't know why they put your name in there for taking a shower."
Me: "It's a once in a lifetime event!"
Cody: "You've only taken one shower in your life?!"

I love it!

I invited him to spend the night with us since Cory does not work until 2 pm tomorrow, and I am off. I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. I want him to wash my car for me.

Sunday morning, yet another day of church skipped.

I have gobs of thank you notes to write. I did well after the first shower and got them all written a few weeks later. This time, not so much. I have two showers I need to catch up with. Next weekend will be a third one. I did this procrastinating thing with our wedding gifts too.

I just want some help with all of this! I feel like I am the only one doing anything. Then when I propose some changes that involves his "stuff," hell would have to freeze over for anything to happen.

I said to the husband earlier this morning, "Can we please talk about how we are going to make more room in this house for our children?" Our lives as we know them are over. He doesn't get that yet. I just want to yell, "Grow up!" because I'm still waiting for it to happen.

Most of you who voted in the poll voted for 34 weeks. I pray to God you are right.

What can beat that last sad, sorry entry? Pregnancy is not a time to worry about your weight. I am healthy, the babies are healthy. I just don't like the way I look. Low mood, hormones out of control, life feels out of control, that's all I can think of to explain it.

I spent most of the time at my mother-in-law's house in front of the tv numbbing my brain. I now feel the need to do something productive. So as I sat in front of the TV preparing to watch another episode of "Clean Sweep" on TLC, my mind started whirling. (Whirling = kind of like the sound your CD player on your computer makes)

We desperately need to make more space in this house. In our living room we have a huge entertainment center in the center of the main wall. Flanking the entertainment center are two large speakers. Next to one speaker are the stereo components. Flanking all of that are two 5 shelf bookcases. One contains my books. The other contains Cory's videos.

What i would like to do is move the stereo components to the cabinet in the entertainment center that is mostly empty. Currently, they sit on their own cabinet, which sits on yet another speaker. I want to box up my books and put them in the garage and then move the shelf to another room to put the children's books on. Or just get rid of the thing. I would like for Cory to consolidate his videos, but I really don't think he will do it. This is just one idea I have.

My grandmother brought us a HEPA filter that is HUGE. I don't know where the hell we are going to put it. i wish I could do all of this myself. I am so FRUSTRATED!! I do not feel like we are ready for these children.

Cathy wants me to put a link in my blog that would take you to a picture of me. I really am disturbed by these pictures. I did not realize how disgustingly obese I am.

Yes yes yes ok ok ok, I KNOW that I am pregnant, believe me I KNOW. But I was already overweight before I got pregnant. Now I have a double chin and fat hanging off of my upper arms in greater quantities. I don't want to be a fat mommy.

The strange thing is, I don't see myself this way when I look in a mirror. Are all of my mirrors rigged? Everyone tells me that I look great. Are they just telling me that to be nice? What are they really thinking? "Oh poor pregnant girl, she is just fat all over."

Say what you want, I don't think it will help. This is something personal that I've been dealing with/denying for several years. Something I have to change inside of myself. I don't like feeling this way.

I should probably try to stay until 5, but I've put in my time for the day. I am tired, my feet are swolen, and I can barely walk.

I won't be around a computer for the rest of the day and I'm not sure what time tomorrow we will get back to the house. If you don't hear from me, don't worry!

I've been having an increasing number of Braxton Hicks contractions. In fact, last night, I was having one about every 10 minutes for a couple of hours. I have also been absolutely starving! This is a list of what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast -- scrambled eggs, two pieces of bacon, 4 pieces of toast
Snack -- an entire bag of microwave popcorn
Lunch -- a banana, a hamburger and some graham crackers with cool whip
Dinner -- 2 small pork chops, stir fry onions, mushrooms & cabbage, and pinto beans. Dessert was angel food cake with strawberries and cool whip
Snack -- a personal pizza and more graham crackers with cool whip

I probably consumed about 4000 calories (or more!) yesterday.

I think the boys are warming up and bulking up for their arrival!

32 WEEKS TODAY!

We have made it past another milestone!

I will be working from home starting the week of June 7. Next week is a short week, ending with a Board Meeting on Thursday and a training on Friday for our new part-time people. I am relieved!

I wasn't near a computer yesterday and here's the whole story...

Wednesday I come home ready to lie on the couch for the evening. Fate had a different plan for me. I go out the front door to get the mail, and as I walk by the side of the house, I hear something that sounds like water spraying. I go to the mail box and take the mail inside. I go back out because this sound disturbs me. It's coming from the side of the house where the spigot for the water hose is. It sounds like the spigot is not turned off. I try to turn it off and it's already off. I pull the cover off of the vent hole for the crawlspace. I hear the water in there, but I can't bend down enough to see if this is where it the sound is coming from. It looks a little damp down there, and we've had no rain in weeks.

The person I would normally call is my dad. He is a pool service manager at a pool company. Essentially, he is a plumber. He was at church already. I called Cory, and he suggested I call his dad. I did, but he had someone coming over to sign loan papers.

Then I started to panic. The thoughts running through my mind were: "How long has the water been leaking? What is this going to cost? We can't afford this. I can't turn the water off at the street by myself. Who the hell am I going to call?"

I called my mom, and by that time I was sobbing. She was at church too, but thankfully, she had her cell phone on. She said my dad would be on his way.

Dad cut the water off and the hot water heater. He poked around through the vent hole under the house and discovered that yes, we did have a broken pipe. It is corroded through. Great. He tried his best to fix it, but he couldn't do it through the little hole.

Keep in mind that while he is outside doing this, there is an impending storm on the horizon with thunder and black clouds coming closer. I went inside to check the weather and behold, there is a tornado watch. Wonderful. I went back outside to tell Dad that we were about to get pounded.

He came in a few minutes later and said that he couldn't fix it tonight because someone would have to crawl under the house. He would not be available until Saturday. (poolman is busy this time of year) I called Cory again and told him what had happened.

So we ended up going to spend the night with his mom until Saturday. We don't have the money to hire a plumber, and that means we have to wait for my dad to do it.

I did not sleep well Wednesday night and did not go to work yesterday. Today I am at work all by myself. I hope to get some work accomplished. I started the work day at Wal-Mart at 7:45 am. I will work my 7.5 hours and leave. If my math is right, that means I can leave at 3:15. I think I can do that.

Boss just talked to me about maternity leave and working from home after leave is up. The agreement is not exactly what I wanted, but it will work. I'm still going to have to put the boys in child care, but it will probably be a little later than 6 weeks. Maybe that will give me some time to find something that I really can do from home.

For now, the work from home will be prior to delivering them. I am glad of this because I am clearly more miserable as the days go on. I wish that Cory made enough money for me to stay home for the first year. Maybe we could hire a nanny for the first year. Oh, I don't know. I guess we'll just see how it goes. The thought of day care sickens me.

Just back from lunch. My feet are so huge and hurt so bad. I feel like crying. Clearly I am in a down cycle of my emotions. Yet again, I am over it.

I don't know if you would call it "lightening" yet, but my babies have moved into a somewhat lower position. I thought they had when I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday. Then my mom noticed it too. They have been much more active lately. I am just hoping that the one who was scrunched up into my right ribcage has started to move head down. My next appointment is Tuesday next week, and we will have another ultrasound.

I've decided that my husband just doesn't get it. Last night my brother came by to pick up some furniture that we don't use for his girlfriend to use in her new apartment. They were getting ready to leave and my car was in the way. All of this was after my mom's grandmother shower. My feet were probably twice their normal size (I am not exaggerating this). I had not been home since I went from work to my mom's. They asked us to move the car. He threw a mini-fit when I asked him to please move the car because his feet hurt too since he had been climbing a ladder all day at work. Wah. I always thought that he was a little more sympathetic than the average man. I guess I was wrong and this disappoints me greatly. I've been mostly disappointed with him through all of this. All I see is that my pregnancy is not about him, he doesn't get the attention, and it kills him.

Are my expectations too high? Here's what he has done: helped put the nursery together, got a second job, done some more of the housework recently, gone to doctor appointments when he can. Here's what I asked him to do that he hasn't done: read at least one book about being a father, massage my feet every now and then without having to ask, show that we are going to sacrifice somewhere on our (or his) "fun" activities (he still talks about renting playstation games and playing golf), saving money instead of blowing it. It only becomes a priorty when it applies to what he wants.

I make him sound like a terrible person, and he is not, I just know he has the capacity to be better, especially when it comes to supporting me.

Next week I have a presenation/activity to do with about 20 teen girls at a facility for pregnant teens. It is on the issue of Respect. I just don't know where to start. I have some concepts running through my mind but pulling them together is something else.

Self-respect/self-esteem -- not being a doormat
Respect for others
Respect/compassion/caring for people different than yourself using people with mental illnesses as an example
Stigma of mental illnesses to discuss people who are different
Can't respect others appropriately without respecting yourself first

Is respect earned or should it be just freely given? Some of the definitions I found include words like "compassion" and "human dignity." Other definitions really mean to show deference to your "elders."

Thoughts?

I am trying to make some changes to my blog without completely screwing up the underlying codes for the template. It is still a work in progress and will take me awhile to get all of my links and blog links posted again. Now I need to do my real work!

MENSA IQ TEST

I am NOT posting my score! If you want to post yours, leave a comment. I will say that I feel very stupid... I'll blame it on the "mom brain."

My mom's Sunday School class is giving her a Grandmother's shower. I've never heard of such a thing, but it sounds like a very nice gesture. I was invited to come so that's what I'm doing tonight.

I don't think I've blogged much about my brother Cody. He is 13 years old and very much a teenager. He is probably the most hilarious person I know. He apparently told my mom that he should have an "Uncle's shower." He wanted to register for X-Box games to play while we were all taking care of babies. He's a funny guy and strangely similar to my husband.

Today started out good at work. I told my boss yesterday that I needed to talk to him and he acutally just came into my office to talk to me. We aren't finished but he had to leave. He did promise to finish our conversation when he comes back. We better because I told him we needed to talk about my maternity leave and working from home. That reminds me, I need to call the people who will be my pediatrician...

THIRTEEN POUND BABY BORN IN MEXICO


I had to find a link to this story with a picture. Can you believe this? I may end up with a total of 13 pounds of baby, but at least it won't be just one!

Ok ok ok, I am still pregnant. No babies yet. I am fine!

Weekend recap:
Saturday -- Cleaned the bathroom throughly. It was disgusting. I won't be cleaning it like that for a long time! Did laundry. Slept in between chores. Told Cory that I was going to do nothing on Sunday.

Sunday -- slept and watched alternately Discovery Health Channel and TLC. Went to my parents house for dinner. Came home and couldn't sleep (probably because of all of the sleep that day).

I have a ton of work to do this week so that I can wrap everything up here. I have a program manual and an education curriculum to write/edit/produce final copies by the end of the week. I have to shop for my stupid Youth Connection program. I have to set up a time to do a training next week. I want to do it on Friday, but one of my trainees only has childcare on M & W. We are off M for Memorial Day.

So much to do, so little motivation to do it.

I keep forgetting to update Cory's job search. He got an offer yesterday from the East Tennessee Children's Hospital (insert Hallelujah Chorus here)! They will pay him 10.50 an hour with GREAT benefits to be a COOK! The job market must not be as tight as it was a few months ago because he has had numerous interviews. I think he will take this job at Children's, though. We need to figure out this insurance thing. Are we going to have to take COBRA if they are not born by the end of June? I need to talk to my boss again about working from home after my leave is up. I've just lost my will to do anything pregnancy related. I'm over it.

(I wrote this and forgot to publish it)

I have yet again succeeded in accomplishing nothing today. Well, I did interview two more people for our PT position. Now that I've interviewed everyone, we need to get people trained. The training will determine final hiring since we have to see if people can speak in a public setting.

So I did those interviews. We've had 3 small children here today. My coworker works with a post-partum depression taskforce. One of the members brought her two toddlers. I played with the 2 1/2 year old in my office for almost an hour. I decided that I can do this entertain the child thing, all you have to do is be as stupid as possible and they will love it. I think I can do that.

Then one of my coworker's friends brought her 6 mo. old by. He fell asleep while he was here. Good baby.

My feet are twice the size they were this morning. I wonder if I brought some cold packs if that would help keep the swelling down. Anyone ever tried that for pregnancy swolen feet?

Just be glad you don't live in Europe...

Upset over gas prices? Had to adjust your budget? It could always be worse!

Not much 'work, work, work' happened yesterday. Today I've got two interviews plus regular work. It is hot and humid outside and hot and humid inside. This office does not get much air circulation.

Our office manager put a sign on the thermostat when we thought one of our cleaning people was changing the temp. The sign says, "Please leave thermostat on 68 degrees for heat and 72 degrees for cool." I was thinking about this yesterday, and I now do not understand. Why would you want it warmer in the summer? Why not the same temp year round? Why not cooler in the summer?

It's not even 9 am and I look like I have huge goose eggs on the sides of my feet. I know people get tired of the complaining, but I just want to feel comfortable. Is that too much to ask?

MORE TERRIBLE BABY NAMES
These would have to come from celebrities. Only in Hollywood...

Here I am ready to start the day, I guess. I'm not as sleepy as I was yesterday, and I get to leave early to go talk to another pede this afternoon. After this interview, I will make my descision. My boss asked me yesterday what made me decide to interview pediatricians. I wanted to say 'duh.' I don't have any other kids, and I'm not just going to go to any old doctor. I'm not just going to show up and say, "hey, will you be my doctor?" I just thought it was a silly question. Maybe it's not.

Morning blog reading and then work work work!

Just had a prank call.
"Do mental people call this number?"
"What do you mean by 'mental people'?"
"Do people with mental disorders call here?"
"Yes, some of the people who call have mental disorders."
"Well, how do they dial the number? (laughter)"

(click)

This just verifies for me that we have more work to do. I'm trying to not get angry about it because that won't help anything or anybody. Stupid kids.

ok, um.. major pain in the pelvis when I try to get in the car. This is not good. I am used to putting my foot in the floorboard and stepping into the car as I sit down. NOW apparently I have to sit my butt in the seat and then swing my legs around into the car. My car is not that high off the ground. I have to modify every movement I make because i am so huge. It is also miserably hot and HUMID outside. hands and feet are swelling again.

I should not have eaten any of the breakfast casserole that Linda brought today. I KNEW it would give me heartburn. I will be glad to be able to eat what I want when these babies are out of me! I can't eat most of my favorite foods because now they give me heartburn.

I am very productive today. I don't have any interviews today so I am working on writing a program manual for one of my programs. This program has been in existance for years and none of the procedures or guidelines have been written down. That's how unorganized this place is. When the person who previously did this program left, she tried to write everything down, but it wasn't an official program manual with policies and procedures. Heck, our agency personnel policies and procedures have not been updated in about 8-10 years (guess how long my boss has been here, yes, you are right!).

So since I am going on leave soon, I feel the need to leave this place in some organzied state. Plus, this program has come under fire lately. There are questions as to whether we need to do such a program since it doesn't REALLY fit with our agency mission. However, it's still here, and I have to make the best of it. (even though I only get a little over $800 a year to do this program -- pretty crappy, eh?)

Cory and I had a big fight about nothing last night. I just love arguments like that. Pointless. We were both tired, stressed, and just took it out on each other. I am feeling insecure about our financial/insurance situation, and I don't know what to do about it. If I try to talk to him about it, he takes it personally. All I want to do is talk about my feelings.

My mom keeps talking about giving an "ultimatum" to make things change with him. Essentially, that's what she had to do with my dad. He went through a time of abusing substances, which started to affect our family. We left. Things did change after that, however, I think this situation is quite different with Cory.

How do I gently suggest things without getting it thrown back in my face? How do I tell him about things that I observe that seem self-destructive and family-destructive?

One of the things that really bothers me about his financial management skills is that he is a master manipulator. If there is something he wants, he will find any and every way to get it. This happened with the computer, the truck, and the vacation. How do I get him to "want" these children and make that a priority? I don't see it happening until they get here.

TOP 50 BABY NAMES FOR 2003
This is offical, from the Social Security Administration.

Our babies names are Aidan and Cole. Aidan is #39, Cole isn't even on the top 50.

Note the new poll at the left...

Just so you know, I am currently 30 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy.

How much longer do you think this will last? If you don't know me or have never seen me, keep in mind that I am 5'1", this is my first pregnancy, I've had no problems so far, and I'm having twins (as if you didn't know that!)

I just got to work because I had a doctor appointment today.

My uterus is 40 cm high. The doc said if he had to guess, I am probably carrying about 8 1/2 lbs. of baby right now. I started having some pelvic pressure/pain last night and it hasn't let up. He said a baby head has probably started to move into the pelvis. I asked him to check my cervix just in case -- still closed.

Now all we have to worry about is paying for this. The hospital/doctor wants the deposit, which is $575. The check out lady said we would also owe 20% on all of the ultrasounds and such. I got two bills yesterday from previous visits to the Birthing Center, total $100. I still owe the doula about $300; she is not covered by insurance. I'm going to be calling the insurance company today about our out of pocket maximum. All of this is on top of the fact that we may not even make our regular bills this month without some drastic means. We don't have savings because the IRS got all of that.

Cory went to a job fair today. I hope something works out for him soon. He has a test to take at SunTrust bank for a non-cash handling position. And full time at Lowe's is still an option.

I am just exhausted over worrying about these things. And the boys aren't even here yet!

Ummm... I hope this won't become a baby naming trend.

Gwyneth Paltrow had her baby on May 14. She named the poor little girl Apple.

I just talked to my husband. He's not so sure about this job that he has gone to today. They are in a training class. He won't be able to get insurance until he is full time there for 2 months. eek!

I don't know what hell we are going to do. If we take COBRA, it will cost us over $700 a month, and it won't last forever. I could pick up insurance here at work again, I guess, but I prefer not to do that. I have to buy it and then they only reimburse for my part of the insurance. It would still be expensive us paying for Cory and the boys out of pocket. (this place has crappy benefits).

I'm trying to convince him to go work at a company called Denzo. They manufacture "stuff" but they have AWESOME benefits. I wish he could find something, at least a type of job or industry he could stay with. I do feel sorry for him but I get tired of the insecurity.

Uneventful morning. I'm trying to pull these programs together so that I can leave feeling comfortable that everything is in place. The work we do at this agency is still very unplanned and all over the place. We have tried to address the "unplanned-ness" of it all with the boss. We seem to make some headway and then, BAM! you hit a wall. He has not addressed how my leaving is going to affect the other staff (mainly the other program staff, of which we have only ONE other program staff).

I actually thought I would be more miserable than I am at the end of May. I'm trying to be positive and not let life events (such as the unemployed husband and soon to be uninsured entire family) get me down.

I am hungry; i think it is time for lunch!

I am apparently the only one awake and blogging today. "Awake" might be a misnomer. My allergies are bothering me, so I took one benadryl. Also, my body got used to the massive amounts of sleep I had this weekend. Apparently, I am sleep deprived.

We are supposed to have our agency finances audited today. I know that our office manager is nervous about that. I am supposed to interview someone else today.

I KNOW deep down that bed rest would not be a fun thing. HOWEVER, it would be very nice to have some time off just to rest. I only can take 8 weeks and get paid, so I have to bank as much time as I can now.

I think it is the heat in this office that makes me swell. I am so frustrated because all weekend, I didn't have a swelling problem. I laid on my side and was in the nice, cool house. I'm getting hot just thinking about being hot and in pain. I know my co-workers get tired of hearing me complain. And I really have not had problems with this pregnancy. Yet, if I KNOW there is a way for me to be more comfortable, then WHY be uncomfortable?

I just had a brainstorm... (funny, because my brain feels like it is shutting down) I wonder if my boss would let me work part-time. That way, I could take vacation/sick time for the other hours I don't work. I could still get paid for full time work. AND I could extend my leave. hmmm....

I almost made it all weekend staying inside. My brother in law invited us to dinner and offered to pay. Can't say no to that.

Now he is over here playing some stupid football game with Cory. I guess I better just let them play Playstation as long as they want because it WON'T be happening when our boys are here. Cory should just sell the Playstation because he won't be needing it. I will never understand grown men wanting to play those games.

I just remembered that the E! True Hollywood Story about American Idol is coming on at 9. I'm going to go watch that.

Today has been completely uneventful and unproductive. (except for the fact that I am still gestating. I guess that is productive). I have slept the majority of the day. I think that is partly boredom and partly because I am gestating. I should go outside and pay some attention to the dogs. I have succeeded so far in not leaving the house the entire weekend. I get weird like that sometimes. I have days where I just want to stay inside. It is very sunny and nice out, but I am content to stay in, especially being pregnant and hot all the time.

I'm going to go check on the dogs.

I'm trying to wash some bed pillows... I hope they don't throw the washer off balance or mess it up somehow.

Can someone out there please give me the html codes to list my links on my blog again? My poor pregnant brain can't remember.

Grass pollen is blooming and so are my allergies. I would take something but I know that if I do, i'll be worthless for the rest of the day.

I LOVE this drink: Cheerwine. It used to be in the stores in our area, and it was even advertised on TV. Then it went away. When we went to North Carolina last year for our anniversary, Cory found it again. Apparently the company is based in North Carolina. Then a couple of weeks ago, he found it in the grocery store next to our house. That store chain is based in NC too. THEN we found it at another store.

We get so excited over food and drink. Is it pathetic or what?

Complaint: the neighbors that live about 3 houses down make us feel like we are in the ghetto. Please explain the thumping-loud-music-in-your-car phenomena AND the rev-your-car-up-repeatedly-and-zoom-down-the-road phenomena. We will NOT be living here when the boys are old enough to ride bikes. They would get run over. We need a nice calm neighborhood with young kids.

I fell asleep on the couch watching TV. i think I slept for about 2 hours.

I feel more like doing some things around the house now that I've slept more. Laundry, change bed sheets, clean up in the kitchen that Cory didn't finish last night. I don't begrudge him for that because he mowed and trimmed the whole yard yesterday and then came in to make dinner. I get the leftovers for lunch:

Chicken Fajitas
Homemade Salsa
Refried beans (with his own twist, onions and cheese)
Blue Corn Chips.

Hmmm... is it time for lunch yet?

"Another Saturday morning and I ain't got nobody..."

Oh wait, wrong lyrics ;)

Yes, I know it's early. I should try to rest and sleep as much as possible. My belly is so big now that I am very uncomfortable in most lying down positions. Actually, in most sitting positions i am also uncomfortable.

I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. I wanted to take things to my aunt's yard sale but decided not to because I was too tired. I'm also boycotting because she should be going to my brother's graduation. Hardly anyone from our family is going. I can't go because his college is 3 1/2 hours away. Can't travel anymore.

Cory is at work. So poor me, I'm all alone. I know that I should be glad to have the alone time. I'll probably wish for it in a few weeks when the babies are here. One of the strange things about this pregnancy is that I cannot stand to be alone. I normally enjoy it. So, I'll be having my pity party today.

My brother's dog is here for several days. I just looked outside and she has curled up in front of the back door. i wonder if she slept there or in her dog house. It's good to have another dog here because it wears Jackie (our dog) out. Until Cory lost his job, we were looking to get another dog so that she wouldn't be bored with out us. Now we've put that search on hold.

Ok, I think my first task today will be breakfast.

I interviewed someone today for our part-time position. We are hiring people part-time so that they can cover me while I am on maternity leave. It will also allow us to expand our program to some schools that do not yet invite us as a guest speaker.

I am 30 weeks pregnant today. I don't see that I'll go much further than 6 more weeks. If I do, I'll be surprised (and I have been surprised many times during this pregnancy, so who knows?!) However, my co-workers are anxious since my boss has not addressed this issue yet. He procrastinates and then waits until it is a crisis. Drama queen.

I must be continually surrounding myself with men who are similar. My husband called this morning wigging out over the bills. I WANT to say, "well, keep looking for a job." I can't do that. yet again, another Drama Queen. (sigh)

Back to work!

Unofficial State Song

Rocky Top

And finally... What type of candy am I?


You're bubblegum!!! You love to have a good time,
and enjoy being around others who feel the same
way. You tend to be the life of the party, and
people like to be around you as much as they
can.


Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Finding Nemo Character Am I?


What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Blogger was down for much of yesterday. I didn't get my fix!

I did find this great website with lots of fun quizzes.

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

I tried to put on my black shoes this morning and they do not fit. I ran to Walgreens to find some flip flops before I came to work. I got some and now they are too long. I can't win. I guess I'll take them back to the Walgreens down here near work.

I lied to the cashier at Walgreens about when I am due. I just don't want to talk about having twins with everyone. It seems like everyone has to tell even perfect strangers what is going on with me. It's like I'm the freak in a sideshow. The cashier was an elderly woman who was very nice, but I just didn't have the time or the energy to talk about it today. She asked if it was a boy or a girl. I said boy. She said, "You'd think it was a girl with your belly being so high." heh.

I didn't stay on the internet. I ended up trying to call my friends from out of town. None of them were home. I called a friend in town and she called me back. We talked for a little while, and that made me feel better.

I ate so much lunch today that i could have probably gone without dinner. Now I still feel overstuffed and have heartburn. I am trying to drink large quantities of water, which, I know will have me up every 2 hours to pee, but is the only way to control the heartburn. I'm also having nasal symptoms, which means the benadryl will put me to sleep. This is good because I am not feeling sleepy yet. i will pay for this tomorrow when I will want to fall asleep at 2 pm at work.

There is so much I want to do around the house. i would do it if I weren't pregnant.

Cory feels defeated, I think. he was saying today how he is just depressed sitting by the phone waiting for employers to call back. I think he will go out more tomorrow instead of waiting around. He worked at Lowe's tonight and is going to pick up some extra hours there until he hears from an employer. I am SO glad he had that part time job so that he could have at least some income to fall back on. We even discussed the possibility of him going back to school. He won't accept student loans, so I don't see how that will happen. I wish he would because i think he would make a great teacher.

Speaking of teaching... my mom mentioned that the mayor suggested that if our county doesn't solve the teacher shortage problem that they may have to hire non-certified people as teachers. If they do that, then I am totally applying for that job. Hours the same as your kids, summers and holidays off... i should have been a teacher.

I am bored. i was trying to clean some things out of the garage to take to a family member's yard sale this weekend. Well, I can't get to anything because Cory's weight bench is in the way. Does he use the bench? What do you think?

I am going to play on the internet because i am bored and have no one to talk to.

I am back at the office after the final meeting about the Zoo Event.

Last year, we struggled with figuring out who would be in charge of the event because our fearless leader left us :( She came back this year, but agreed to just plan the meetings. I did not volunteer to plan it last year because I had only one year before that of being involved. I felt like I did not have the background with the event to plan it.

I am toying with the idea of volunteering to be the boss for next year's event. I need to see where I'll be (mentally and physically) by August/September, and then I'll make up my mind.

Another Reason to NOT Own an SUV

There has been an increased rate of children dying from being "backed over" by a vehicle. Alarming how we pay for our "bigger is better" lifestyle in America.

Last night I finally tried adding music to my "let's get the babies in a head down position" routine. I have some CDs that are Disney compilations. The babies were not moving at all when I started, but I did feel some tiny kicks when music from The Lion King and Jungle Book was played.

We have our wrap up Zoo Event meeting today. I hope that the meeting is productive.

I have blogged this day into oblivion.

Cory made dinner; here is the yummy menu:

Shrimp Bisque
Baked Lime Tilapia Filets
"Hoppin' John" - rice, black-eyed peas, onions, peppers
Salad w/ sundried tomato dressing

The boys are asleep and my belly is full. yum!

This is in response to Cathy

Probably you would see some. I think "self-diagnosis" has become prevalent in our society, not just with mental health. I diagnose myself all the time with physical problem (wait, is that hypochondria?) :)

I think all people view the world through the lens of their experiences. You have experiences with mental health and you have schooling and training that makes you more aware of those things.

Here's where it gets sticky: I am a mental health professional. When I see a loved one engaging in self-destructive behavior, I suggest what I know -- treatment, counseling, whatever you want to call it. I get labelled an "extremist" because that's what I know. Not only do I know about treatment because of my profession, I KNOW it works because it helped me (and many others I know).

We also have this prevalent idea in our society that we can do every thing on our own. "Be an individual." I think a lot of what is called mental illness is that people feel disconnected from a community and feel like they have to do it all on their own.

We also allow the medical model to enter the "diagnosis" and "treatment" of mental illness. Medical model says, "You have something wrong, here's what fixes it." Strengths perspective says, "You have something right, let's build on that."

Something Else to get Mad About

The Tennessean.com says the poor pay for their poverty, by spending disproportionately more in taxes and receiving fewer services. With nearly 41 percent of Tennessee children living in poverty or in working poor families, the state Comptroller's Office reports Tennessee children suffer the most from the state's antiquated tax system.

I wonder if I might have found a new social work niche...

A woman called the office on Friday. She is trying to help her 20 year old niece who is legally blind and has brain tumors. She is on Medicare, SSI but has to pay out of pocket for her prescriptions. Her brother told her she could move here from Washington state and live with him. She moves and he moves out. Her rent is paid up to the end of the month. She cannot afford medication on her small SSI check AND pay the rent.

She had to go to the ER last night because she ran out of meds. Now the hospital social worker has called her and told the aunt that she could be turned in for adult abuse. I want to know who this social worker is. I hate it when people do things like that. This woman is trying to help. She lives out of state and came here for a short time to try to help her niece. She is trying to do the job of a social worker with her family member and has no training and knows none of the local resources.

Why do we let people like this fall through the cracks? Why?

I want this t-shirt for my boys!

The doctor's office called back and said all I am experiencing is normal pregnancy stuff.

Am I just a wimp? All I want to do is lie down. I am over it.

Depression Undertreated During Pregnancy

Well, duh...
Ok, maybe some people don't see this as intuitive. If you know a pregnant woman (if you are reading this blog you do!), then you need to be aware of the symptoms of depression, especially during the post-partum period. Often people in the throes of depression do not realize what is going on or don't have the mental energy to do anything about it.

Quiz
Write down your answers and the scores are given at the bottom. I got a 44.

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon & and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted, do you...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d)2 (e)1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d)5 (e)2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f)1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome,someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing,practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical.They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that
trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused
partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think
you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

I am here all alone. It is good so far because the phone is not ringing.

I took off my shoes last night when I finally got home, and my feet looked like elephant feet or hobbit feet. I'm going to call the doctor again today about the swelling. My hands are hurting again, and I had to loosen the laces on my tennis shoes when I put them on this morning. I am such a complainer.

I'll try to find something funny to blog about now.

I just updated my profile, but I don't know how to get it listed on the blog. I'll have to mess with this tomorrow when the rest of the office is out at an event and I am here answering the phone. It will be nice to be alone (that is, if the phone does not ring off the hook)

I heard from the doctor's office. They want to send me to an orthopedic doctor because, "you still have a long way to go in your pregnancy." Yeah. Don't remind me.

On a very positive note, all of the blood tests came back normal. I don't have gestational diabetes or anemia. I guess I am just tired with no explanation other than being pregnant.

... just had a contraction...

Cory ran all over town with applications and resumes today. One thing he is not is a slacker.

Poor old dumb me.

I just changed my blog template and lost all of my old links. I'll have to fix that one day, but not today

I forgot my support belt today, and I can tell a huge difference.

I think I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome. I'm waiting for the doctor to call me back with my test results from last week.

In Tennessee, this woman would be allowed to take the roadkill and even eat it herself!

The "Roadkill Bill" was proposed by a State Senator from Knoxville. The law allows people to take roadkill and eat it without any legal repercussions. Gross.

I am so mad about Blogger. I tried to post something yesterday, and it was quite a long post, and it got deleted. wah!

I don't even remember what I wanted to say in that post. All of this is an "in the moment" kind of thing for me, so when the moment is gone, it's gone baby.

Cory is out job hunting today. I hope he finds something.

Mother's day was good with some good food made by my mother. We celebrated my brother Eli's graduation (which is actually next weekend). I hate that I will not be able to go.

I want to thank all of my friends who have been supportive of us as we struggle through this pregnancy and job situation. It's good to know that you are out there listening...

The zoo event went well this year. I think what worked was that our exhibitors (how ever few their were) had activities. The one thing that did not go well was the final entertainment act. I felt bad for the teens that came to play because they did not have an audience. I went to the bathroom, came back and they had gone. Oh well, I guess we'll know better next time.

As far as planning this event alone next year, I just don't know where I'll be this time next year. I've been sitting in bed since I got home, and although the TV is on, I have really been consumed by the ideas I keep generating. I want to work from home, start my own business, etc. I want to take these risks, but then something holds me back. I need to go back to yesterday before I get into this...

Cory comes home and drops the bomb that I think we both have been expecting for awhile. He was "mutually" let go from his job. This means that we have insurance paid thru June, one and 1/2 incomes, and even more stress to deal with. Yet, surprisingly, we do not have this probation thing hanging over us now, and in a way, it is relief. So he is frantically searching for a job. No one in the family (or no one who knows our family) is to be told until he has another job. ESPECIALLY his mother.

Ok, so back to my work from home ideas. Despite being pregnant, I know I am not stupid. I know I have many talents. But how do I form that into a business plan that is going to succeed? I could start my own non-profit. But what services do we need in this town that aren't already provided? (or inadequately provided?) My mind is revved up; I just need some direction.

It would be great for us to find a way to mix our talents so that we could be in business together. How can you combine social work with cooking? hmmm....

Just got back from lunch and no one is here at the office! I thought one person would be back but I don't know where she is....

The zoo event is coming apart at the seams. We usually set up a tent and tables the day before but the zoo is using the space today and won't let us do that. Poop heads (I bet they do have a lot of poop, being it's a zoo). This is one major reason why I don't think we should use them anymore. We worked with Celebration Station for our Kiwanis event and that was very successful. The manager is very helpful. The zoo doesn't seem to be so helpful. But hey, that's my perception.

Ok, I need to get finished with this stuff for tomorrow.

My doula came over last night and did some relaxation techniques with us. I felt so good after that; it was wonderful!

Friends came over for a Friends watching and then I wasn't so comfortable. We had too many people there for me to lie down on the couch. That won't be happening again. Or I'll go into the bedroom and lie down if I have to.

The Friends finale was pretty anti-climactic. Rachel should have just gone to Paris. If Ross wanted her, then he needed to go there to get her. She shouldn't have to give up that great job for him!

Off to read more blogs.

Somehow I got my creative groove back! I am working on my version of a mental health bingo game for Saturday's event. We have a "Feel Good Bingo" game that was sent here by our national org. It is just about depression. I combined good mental health attributes with signs that person may have a mental health problem. We will play bingo and discuss the difference between them when we have kids at the zoo. The most fun part of the game is that your game pieces are pieces of candy. So now I need to go buy candy and some other things for Saturday.

Aren't they adorable!

Sitting in a dark office with the box fan on high feels goooood!!

I need some new shoes. my sandals are too small, especially now, in the heat of the day when my hands and feet are so swolen. I need to be lying down on my left side so that the swelling will go down, but I don't see that happening here at work. I think I might leave early since i'll be working this weekend.

I did not go to Target. I was on my way to Lowe's with Jackie so that we could see Cory and he calls saying he is coming home. So we went home and watched the end of American Idol (good by George Huff!) and The OC. My husband is a soap opera king. He loves shows like The OC, One Tree Hill, Dawson's Creek, etc. It is really funny to make fun of him about it, too.

We have a Board meeting today that promises to be even more unproductive than usual. I am over it and I am out of here soon, so I just don't really care anymore.

My poor little doggie is whining outside :( I wish I could let her in but i've already vacuumed :(

I went to the mall after work today. I returned some baby clothing at a couple of stores. I went to the maternity store and was just going to look at the support belts. The sales lady put one on me, and buddy, if I did not buy it then. These things are the best things ever invented! I'll be wearing it everyday until they are born.

I started feeling very heavy after I ate and walked back to the car. I came home and put my belt on and I am ready to go again! Since one of the babies is now head down and his head is low in my uterus, this belt relieves that pressure. The doctor recommended it when I told him about my difficulty sitting for long periods of time. Whenever I stand up from sitting in my chair at the office, I feel like the baby is going to drop out of my body. Not a nice feeling.

I think I'll put my feet up for a few minutes and then maybe run to La Target and a bookstore. I need to find my brother a graduation gift. We are eating dinner in his honor on Sunday (yes, it is Mother's Day, too). I need to figure out a good way to embarrass him...

The zoo event is this Saturday. The weather report says that it will be 87 degrees on Saturday. I hope that I do not get sick. I'll have to leave if I get overheated.

I went to the Animal Center and the dog we wanted to meet was not there. There are other options, however. I hope we are not getting in over our heads.

We found one potential dog to adopt. I need to call about her and see if she is still at the shelter. She looks a lot like the dog we have already.

I met with another pediatrician this morning and I really like him. I have one more to interview and then I'll have to decide.

I thought the sun was supposed to come out today, but it started raining when I came in to work. I did not sleep well last night, so if the sun does not come out, it will be a very low functioning day for me.

Marathon Doctor's Visit

My mom picked me up this morning to take me to the doctor. Cory couldn't go for an all day doctor appointment, so she went with me. He did the ultrasound first and checked my cervix. No dialation=good. On all of the measurments of the babies, he would enter the number and on the screen I would see "32wk." This means that these babies are huge for their gestational age. They both probably weigh over 3 lbs. each. At 28, almost 29 weeks, I am carrying over 6 lbs. of baby!!!

The rest of the visit was my blood test for gestational diabetes. I had my blood drawn 4 times. Fun! I am guessing that I probably have gestational diabetes because i have several high-risk factors:
1. the babies are large
2. i gained 8 lbs in 4 weeks (yikes!)
3. my mom had two large babies and was "borderline" gestational diabetic with my youngest brother
4. I am carrying twins, which increases your risk because of the added hormones.

I will be very surprised if my test is negative for gestational diabetes.

We also found out that one of the babies has moved into the head-down (vertex) position. One down, one to go. The other one is very high and transverse, with his head stuck into my right side. Hence, we discovered an explanation for the rib pain.

No problems with blood pressure or anything else.

Blog tomorrow...

I was going to blog about the day but my husband just brought food home. i'll be back after i eat!!

Someone needs to write a book on pregnancy stupidity. I just told this guy on the phone that I could get a message to our boss on Monday. He said, "It is Monday."

I am going to start prefacing my converesations with: "Hello, this is Alice, I'm pregnant. I apologize in advance for any stupid or ditzy things I say."

I've been sitting too long. My side is starting to hurt again. Thank God it is 3 pm.

Another weekend story (i should have blogged this as it happened. i probably wouldn't have been so neurotic about it if I had):

We put the dog outside. Now, Jackie started out as an outside dog. We got her at 5 mos., and I brought her in at 6 mos. because she was spayed and had to stay in for a few days. She stayed for 6 months. She started sleeping in the bed and pretty much had the run of the house. She is my baby. Cory would probably disagree, but I say that I do most of the Jackie care-taking.

So when we put her out, I had a breakdown. No small tears, either. It was a full-on break-your-heart breakdown. I am absolutely nuts. It was a lot more comfortable to not have her in the bed that night. However, she keeps me company when Cory is at work. For some reason, since I have been pregnant, I hate being alone. (this accounts for the many visits to my parents' house).

Yesterday, I had another crying fit because I missed her. She was just outside, but I can't sit outside all day. So Cory let her in. My crying was not intentionally manipulative (like it MIGHT have been in the past). I'm just wigged out emotionally, and I have no control. She stayed in until *I* was ready to put her out myself. That's what I finally decided, I had to do it, no body else.

So now we are looking for another dog :) another little baby to keep her company. My mom thinks I'm crazy, but everyone else (including Cory!) thinks it's a good idea.

Is it really 1:40 pm on Monday?

I didn't blog at all this weekend. Sometimes, I just can't sit in front of the computer at home. I'd rather be in bed.

I had an event this weekend with my Kiwanis club. Each spring we have a fundraiser and we host a mini-golf tournament. I ran it this year, and we did much better than we did last year. (technically, i was in charge last year too, but didn't do as much then). It was fun and we had a decent number of participants (for the lack of publicity). I had planned on running several errands after that, but my body had a different idea.

I had a contraction while we were at the mini-golf course. It was just a random contraction, but then, after lunch, I really felt just icky. I went to one store and decided it was time to go home. I had another contraction, and after talking to my mom, I decided to call the doctor just to be safe.

The doctor called back and says, "At 28 weeks with twins, your uterus has probably decided that you are full term." I just laughed. He said as long as they are not regular, close together, no bleeding or spotting, etc. that I was fine.

I need to ask him for further clarification on how I will know they are "real" labor contractions. (like he would know since he's a man) For one reason, my belly is already stretched so tight that the tightness of a contraction is hard to distinguish. I also do not want to go into pre-term labor at this point. Very bad!

Tomorrow is my glucose tolerance test and another ultrasound. I don't know how I am going to survive fasting and not eating breakfast or anything until late morning/early afternoon. I took the day off from work, and my mom is going with me.

Any suggestions on how to survive the empty stomach? I'm just afraid that I will puke.