Sometimes I feel like I can't get ahead and I keep slipping farther and farther away from some goals that I have for my life. I so desperately want to be free of the crushing burden of being in debt.

I go to a friends house tonight and they have such a lovely, immaculate home. They clean up messes as they make them and there aren't things like dirt caked in the corner of their bathroom because the previous owners did such a crappy job putting the floor down. I also feel like we have too much stuff for the size of house we live in. i would love to simplify things down to the bare minimum, but I feel constrained because of my spouse.

One of the things I would like to pare down is the kitchen. We have so much kitchen stuff that we don't use because Cory fancies himself a chef. He is a wonderful, creative cook, but these days, we don't have time for all of the gadgets, woks, fondue pots, etc. (that he rarely used before now anyway). I hate the way our living room looks with our huge entertainment center right in the middle, ugly white shelves on the sides and huge sound system that is rarely used. It's just all so BIG and overwhelming to me. These are things I would like to have out of sight. But our house is too small. I can't stand the way the yard looks with half of a flower bed with mulch because we didn't have enough money to buy more mulch.

I'm just so tired of living my life in such a half-ass way because i'm too tired, too poor, and have too much maintaining to do to get shit done. wah. poor me.

Yes, the moon, whether it was full or not, was shining brightly in the sky last night. I saw 5 clients in 10 hours last night. I came in at 1 pm and did not stop the entire shift. I started at Lakeshore, then to UT-ER, to a PCP's office in Halls, to Blount Memorial ER, to Blount Co. Jail. I was to get off work at 11 pm but did not leave until 11:45 pm. And I still had to do some case wrap up at home. It was difficult for me to wind down and fall asleep.

This may sound strange to people not in the mental health field, but I sometimes need some purely psychotic people mixed in with the depressed/suicidal people to keep this job from bringing me down. I was down last night. I still feel that way a little bit. Part of it has to do with a dear friend who is also hurting and feeling emotional pain over the weekend. I've said this before but I'll say it again: I see a lot of hurting, depressed, suicidal people in my work. But when it hits someone you know and care about, it is not so easy to keep a "distance" from the pain you feel yourself.

On a little lighter note: we took Aidan to the eye doctor yesterday morning. The pede thought his eyes looked a little crossed so he referred us to the only pediatric opthamologist in town. It took almost 2 months to get in. Aidan has pseudostrabisimus, which is a big hairy word for pseudo crossed eyes. His eyes look that way because the bridge of his nose is so wide - an optical illusion, as such. When he looks a certain direction, you can't see much of the white of his eye on the inside, so it looks crossed. The office was really cool; they had toys on the far wall from the exam chair that the dr. had a control for with his foot. He could make the bunny play the drum or the pig move and light up to focus the child to look straight ahead. So no thick glasses and no eye patches for Aidan. He is to return for a check in 4 years :)

I hear a baby calling my name; I better go for now.

While everyone else says TGIF, Friday is my back to work day after 3 days off. Sigh.

We had an incredible thunderstorm last night. It woke me at about 1:30 am. Cole was in bed with us and I felt bad about leaving Aidan alone in his crib but he was OK. For awhile. Too many nights end with me on the couch with one and Cory in the bed with the other. I wish we could figure out this sleep thing. Sometimes they are just so restless they cannot settle.

Better finish getting ready for work. I hope I am busy so I don't have to sit around thinking about all that I could be doing at home.

Blah, blah, blah, blog

I am inspired to start my list for the 101 things to do in 1001 days. Cory found my list and just sort of smirked. A lot of things on that list I've started require money, so I really don't know when some of them will get accomplished.

It's a small world. Cory got his first lead on a client for his real estate biz. Someone called his affiliate office and they gave him the lead. The woman's name sounded very familiar to me. I searched my brain for it and finally found it. I had worked with this woman on some coalitions when I was at the Mental Health Association. Cory got her lead by chance, or so it would seem... the older I get, the less I think things are just "chance" and "luck" in this world.

I need to find my phone card and call a friend. bye

I need some new blogs to read. Any suggestions?

In honor of my brother and his new wife, I created a photoblog of their wedding. We had to leave with the boys before we could see all of the events, but I tried to get as much action as I could. So here's to you Eli and Heather.

Cathy was right: Cory did end up getting sick. He got the nasty stuff that the boys have. I am wondering how I escaped with just tonsillitis. (I say that and watch me get the stomach virus next). This is a nasty bug. Cory has had 12 episodes today and Aidan had 10-12 yesterday. It has slowed for Aidan but is still not better. Cory went to the doctor and got a shot of something in his hip to stop the diarrhea. I am just overwhelmed trying to take care of 3 boys. Cory is now asleep thanks to the meds. The piles on the laundry room floor are slowly disappering. Bad mom: the only thing that keeps the boys distracted is their Baby Einstein videos. Otherwise, when I walk out of the room, or just even turn my back, they start to whine. Sheesh.

We all went to the doctor yesterday. Here are the diagnoses:

Me: tonsillitis
Cole: Ear infection
Aidan: diarrhea, and if it is not better by Wednesday, we have to turn in a specimen. ugh.

Yes I am up at 2:30 am. I am because I can barely swallow my tonsils are so swollen. It started Saturday night after the wedding and has increasingly worsened since then. I had 2 days off from work for the wedding and had to call in yesterday. I got a guilt trip because "it's kinda thin today" Well, I did not make the schedule. Wah. I am afraid at this rate I may not make it tomorow. I'm not sure if it is strep because my fever isn't high enough, but it sure does feel like it.

I am so tired of cleaning house. It seems like I can't get ahead. Cory has had class all week after work and so he does not get home until 9 pm. He threw a fit last night when I had two bags of trash waiting to go out. I had just forgotten to take them out. I think he felt like I was leaving them for him. But even if I did leave them for him to take out, he has not done anything around the house in a whole week. He would argue that he has two jobs, but everyone contributes to the house mess and everyone should pitch in. It is just so mundane and brainless for me to do this work, I just hate it. I like having a clean house, but I'm over it this week. I really wonder if I would like to stay at home and not have a paid job...

If today were a normal Friday, at this point, I would be rushing around to get ready for work. Happily, I have today and tomorrow off for my brother's wedding. I am not in the wedding (long story I will probably tell later), but since my family is doing the rehearsal dinner, we are going tonight. The wedding is at a summer camp where my brother and I went as children. We both worked there in our teens but he became a "follower" (as I like to call it), and I got over it really quickly. My brother, Eli, is marrying the camp director's daughter. He has worked at the camp every summer since he was about 15 years old. I will be taking pictures and posting them. I hope to have enough to make another photoblog.

The boys are eating angel hair pasta and broccoli for lunch. They love to feed themselves. If you take a look here and here you will see just how much they love it.

Bad Mom

We went out to make a delivery for Cory. I got my coffee. Came home and put it on the end table. Came in the other room to read blogs. I thought in the back of my mind, "Cole will get the coffee." Cole got the coffee. It is all over him and all over the floor. He was chewing on the cup. Bad Mommy. good thing it was cold. We have an early coffee drinker.

I am so tired today I could sleep all day. I've started putting the boys in their cribs, leaving a few toys, turning on the "sleeping music" and shutting the door. They usually cry, complain for about 5 minutes and then start to play for a little while. Then they fall asleep. I slept this afternoon for about 2 hours. I wake up still groggy. Maybe it is too much sleep, I tell myself. Maybe not after Cole woke up/cried out every 2 hours last night.

I decide to make some coffee. I did a load of dishes earlier this morning. I open the dishwasher to get the assumedly clean coffee carafe out. We use those little packets of dishwasher detergent now because they appear to work better than just liquid or powder. Well, this time, the packet did not dissolve and I have to run the dishwasher again. No caffine for me.

I do need to get my prescriptions from the pharmacy and take some business cards to Cory's dad's house. Maybe Pilot's coffee is calling my name...

We made some funny pictures today.

I am childless!

Mom took the boys to her house. I am going to a mother's day luncheon at Calhoun's on the River at 6 pm. I will be husband-less until 9 pm. I am so lucky!

The boys had a better day after I left them at the sitter yesterday. After howling and screaming for me, I finally just left them in their cribs, shut the door and tried to ignore. I was getting ready for work, so it was a little easier. They cried for a few minutes and finally quit. Aidan fell asleep and Cole was lying down, not asleep but calm. I took them to the sitter and they ignored me. Oh well. I only had to do one call yesterday so I got some relaxation time at work.

My brother is getting married this weekend. I will post some about the pre-wedding crap that has happened and post to let you know how it went. Maybe I'll even get some pictures.

My nerves are shot from separation anxiety. You know how a baby's cries pull at your instincts to do something? Well, with separation anxiety, the baby cries to get you to pick them up. I cannot hold two babies all day and get anything done. Plus, I am mentally and physically worn out from doing such. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I cannot let them cry to try to get to sleep because it is against my nature and they will wake one another up. Besides, what if there is really something wrong with them? What are some ways I can work on getting them to soothe themselves to sleep without me having to let them cry for hours? I am willing to go through a process if I have to but I need to know what to do.

Yesterday started out to be a postive day. The sun was finally shining. We took the boys to my mom and dad's church for a baby dedication. It was so sweet and funny when Aidan grabbed the preacher's ear mic and put it in his mouth! I went to work and took a nap/dozed there until I had to start my calls. I did 4 calls. I guess things started to go downhill then.

The things I witness through my job are starting to cause some secondary traumatic stress. What I wondered about yesterday is how people, including people with mental illness, could do things to hurt themselves/harm themselves. I saw a couple of clients who did some self-injurous acts. How painful for their families. I wish I could go into detail, but I don't want to break any laws/confidentiality. I understand that people cut/self-injure because it releases stress and can be a relief to feel the pain when you feel so numbed by depression. I can fathom that. I cannot fathom actually doing it. How someone could take a sharp object to their skin and mar themselves for life is beyond my scope of understanding. I empathize with the depression, but the actions I just don't get.

Then when I get home last night, Cory is tired/in pain. He internalizes his stress, which one day will cause a heart attack or a stroke, I'm sure. He needed me to iron and do a couple of other things. The boys woke up at midnight for some reason and I could not get them down. I am so exhausted from caring for people. I need a break but have one more day to go this week at work before I can get a break from that.

Babies crying. I'll have to write more later.