every room except one clean! woohoo! i think i'll wait to dust and vacuum the computer/laundry room when i am finished with the laundry. that may not be until later tonight. i am washing my clothes now so that i'll have something to wear once i finally take a shower.

cory took the dog for a walk and i took a 2 hour nap. i think he also went by my parents' house to pick up something my mom got for the babies' room. i only turned on the tv for background noise while i slept. didn't watch it at all because i conked out immediately. i woke up very hot because it is nice, sunny and warm outside. and to think it was 32 degrees and inches of snow on the ground just two days ago. welcome to east tennessee!

the dog is napping now, blissfully sleeping in the sun coming through the living room window. i think cory has been washing his truck and vacuumming. i was hoping against hope that he would do my car too. he just said, "probably not, (something unintelligible)." oh well. i guess that will wait for the next pretty weekend. i just don't see myself doing all of that bending after cleaning the whole house. i do desire to get it done, but i don't want to push my body too far.

i read a parenting magazine we just ordered. i wish i hadn't read the article on elective cesarian sections. it just scared me even more. i know they want to inform you, and information is important. however, some of it i just can't handle. i couldn't finish the article. please pray that these babies both present head down (vertex) so that i don't have to have surgery. i get to the point that my anxiety subsides (in fact, i've been feeling pretty good this week) and then i read something like that. maybe i should check my bp now.

This editorial from today's New York Times is exactly why I will not see "The Passion." I do call myself a Christian; I do attend church and worship. I can't see myself sitting through this movie.

By MARY GORDON

Published: February 28, 2004


The Passion of the Christ" is not just another movie. No one in America is saying, "What do you want to see this weekend, `The Passion of the Christ' or `50 First Dates'? " None of us can see it innocently. If audiences were juries, there is no possible viewer of this film who would not be rejected by either the defense or the prosecution.

Whether or not we like the 21st century, it is where we live, and we can view this film only as citizens of our time and place. That means me, too. I can look at "The Passion of the Christ" only as a woman who defines herself as Catholic, who also defines herself as someone for whom the creation of story has been a crucial locus of self-understanding, and as someone for whom the Gospels have been crucial texts. So I respond to it as a person formed by my history, as Mel Gibson has been formed by his.

I'm older than Mel, but not by much, and we were both brought up by Catholics who would define themselves as conservative. And yet our visions of both the nature of history, the role of story and the experience of Jesus are miles apart.

So, no, I didn't like the movie. But I didn't like Mr. Gibson's "Braveheart," either. I don't do spectacle. I don't do graphic violence. I didn't lose any sleep, though, about not liking "Braveheart." I didn't care about "Braveheart"; I didn't care who liked it because nothing important was at stake. I didn't imagine that "Braveheart" could do any damage in the larger world. The story of "Braveheart" wasn't precious to me. But "The Passion" has been, for me, a cause of deep distress.

My distress has two sources. The first is my anxiety that it will have the effect of fanning the flames of a growing worldwide anti-Semitism. I accept Mr. Gibson's assertion that he didn't mean to make an anti-Semitic film, but he has to be aware of the Passion story's role in the history of the persecution of the Jews, a story whose very power to move the human spirit has been a vehicle for both transcendence and murder. To be a Christian is to face the responsibility for one's own most treasured sacred texts being used to justify the deaths of innocents.

What, then, is one to do with that knowledge? I believe that one bears witness to it, in one's life and in one's work. Certainly one does not take the risk that one's life or work might contribute to the continuation of a horror.

Can this be read as political correctness with a theological twist? As a writer, I am certainly sensitive to the specter of censorship. But as one who has made a life's work of studying narrative, I wonder why Mel Gibson's vision of the Passion — its importance to him, he says, is that it shows exactly what Jesus did for us — must depend on a portrayal of Jews as a bloodthirsty mob headed by a sadistic and politically manipulative leadership?

Mr. Gibson's defense is that he tells it like it is. Or like it was. But that is not precisely the case: the film's screenwriter, Benedict Fitzgerald, has added extra-Scriptural details: the character of Claudia, Pilate's wife, is much amplified from the Gospel hint; Pilate is given a sympathetic psychological complexity that is nowhere found in the Gospels; details of Jesus' childhood have been invented for dramatic purposes. Caiphas, the high priest, is a cipher in the Scripture; in the film he is, compared with Pilate, a one-dimensional monster, a shrewd rabble-rouser who rejoices in the shedding of his enemy's blood.

It is true that the Roman flagellators are portrayed as viciously sadistic, but there are two good Romans, Pilate and Claudia, to add a counterweight to our understanding of Romanness. There is no counterweight to the portrayal of the Jews. And arguably a writer who is concerned about the effects of a work that will have enormous popularity might be more worried about a negative portrayal of Jews than of Romans. No one has tried to set fire to the Pantheon; Hadrian's Villa has not been ransacked.

The second cause of my distress is that Mr. Gibson's portrayal of the Passion story seems to me a perversion of the meaning of the event and its context. When I spoke to Mr. Fitzgerald, he told me that for him and for Mr. Gibson, the Passion was the most important part of the Gospel and that that was why they had focused on the last hours of Jesus' life, giving short shrift to his ministry and his ideas. But if, as Mr. Fitzgerald and Mr. Gibson have done, you take the Passion out of its context, you are left with a Jesus who is much more body than spirit; you are presented not with the author of the Beatitudes or the man who healed the sick but with a carcass to be flayed.

A great deal of screen time is taken up with the flagellation of Jesus. What does this accomplish in an understanding of the meaning of Jesus' life and death? How is Jesus different from any other victim of torture? How is "The Passion of the Christ" different, then, from "The Silence of the Lambs"? Jesus as a person with mind and spirit is not very present in this film. This may partly be because Jim Caviezel, who plays Jesus, is not an actor of great psychological subtlety. In the scenes when he is ministering rather than being bloodied, he is merely bland. These scenes have a perfunctory, tacked on quality, and Mr. Caviezel's face, which is pleasant but vacuous at the Last Supper, for example, does nothing to add to their power.

When I asked Mr. Fitzgerald why they had made the film so violent, he said that in an age of great violence, you had to use violence to make your point. He told me a story that had been dear to both his mother, who was the editor of Flannery O'Connor's letters and a great friend, and to O'Connor herself. The story goes like this: A man buys a mule from another man, who tells him that the mule will do anything if he is treated with loving kindness. So the man gives the mule the best feed, then some sugar, but he still won't work. So he brings it back to the seller, saying he's been duped. The seller hits the mule on the head with a two-by-four. The buyer says, "But you said he needed to be treated with loving kindness." The seller says, "Yes, but you have to get his attention first."

My problem with "The Passion of the Christ" is that I felt as if I were being continually hit over the head with a two-by-four, but I never tasted the sugar and I wasn't even given my portion of healthy feed. Once my attention was grabbed, what was it I was supposed to hear? That Jesus suffered greatly for my sins, more greatly, perhaps than I should imagine. But who is this Jesus and what is the meaning of his suffering?

Theologically, the meaning of Jesus' death comes with the triumph of the Resurrection, arguably the weakest scene in the film, in which Mr. Caviezel looks not victorious but stoned. Yet St. Paul says, "If Christ has not risen, then vain is your faith." Psychologically, the power of the Passion is that it acknowledges the place of suffering, particularly unjust suffering, in human life. It is a vessel for our grief. If you listen to Bach's "St. Matthew Passion," there is very little violence in the music; the overwhelming tone is one of mournfulness and a kind of crushed sorrow. In the film, to be sure, there are shots of women weeping along the Via Dolorosa, but the dominant tone in the film is one of rage-inducing voyeurism.

I understand that people of good faith might be moved by the film. I was in Boston the day of the premiere, Ash Wednesday. A woman interviewed on local television said that she thought the movie was not about violence but about love, that when she saw Jesus' struggle with his cross, she saw her own. A minute later, though, a woman with ashes on her forehead looked into the camera and said, "At least we know who really killed Jesus, and I don't have to say who."

I would venture to say that neither of these women's vision of the world was changed by the film. They brought their own Jesus into the movie with them, their own religious history and their understanding of the history of the world. As, of course, did I. And so if Mr. Gibson's goal was to change hearts and minds, I can't believe he'll be successful. In his goal of being true to his vision, he may in fact have succeeded.

But how does his vision tie in with the vision of the Gospels as a whole? In the Beatitudes, Jesus blesses those who hunger and thirst after justice. I can't imagine that Mr. Gibson's vision or his film will add to the balance of this world's justice. But as he has told us, that's not the part of the Gospel that interests him.


Mary Gordon's most recent book was "Joan of Arc" (Viking/Penguin, 2000).

Thank you Ms. Gordon.

husband has been on the computer all morning and then tells me not to be on it very long. sheesh.

i've been cleaning since about 7:30 or 8 am. it feels good to have a clean (or almost clean) home. the kitchen, bedroom and living room are all finished. all that is left is the dining room, computer/laundry room and bathroom. wow, when i list all of those rooms, it makes our house sound big. it's only 1000 sq. feet. it is small now but will be tiny when there are double the number of people living here. ok, i'm going to go visit my websites now. later!

husband put together more furniture for the babies' room. it is sooo cute! we found a matching dresser on our target registry. i am so tired. therefore, this is the last blog for the day. night night.

I have added new links on the right hand side of this blog. Please visit the sites under the "Please Visit!" list every time you read this blog. Your clicks can help these charities.
Thanks!

this day has been ETERNAL!

i completed all of my files and such for the audit. my office is relatively clean, in case they want to come in here and nose around. there are things that i could do but i really don't want to. i want to go home and go to bed. how do i change this? well, i guess i could goof off for two more hours. let's try that.

i don't know how much longer i can do this. i would like to be able to do my work from home. however, i am afraid that a big part of my job, answering the phones, couldn't happen when i am at home. i am worn out from just sitting here. i think my bed time should be 9 pm not 10 pm. maybe that will help.

lunch time! time to break and blog since none of my lunch buddies are here today.

if you ever feel stupid, read about these people.

ok one more blog and then i've got to get to work.

i decided to cut down on tv for lent. i've not done well so far. and then this article was the headline on MSN today: cutting down on 'soft' addictions.

i guess blogger would fall into that category, no? tv is my true vice right now.

What would my boss do without the other people who work here? he would fall apart, which he is probably on the verge of doing anyway. just asked me for another staff person's cell phone number. we all have cards that the office manager made for us that has everyone's home and cell numbers on it. he probably lost it on his ever growing piles of paper on his desk. i wonder how many microorganisms are living on his desk.

i wanted to write this yesterday, but my husband was walking around the house. i was chided for being on the computer for an apparently prime time for part-time employers to call. i was also reprimanded for being online yesterday morning. oh wait, i believe he was the one that encouraged me to stay home. and what was i doing on the computer? work.

i have been asleep most of the day. i guess the bed was tempting. i think i would be able to work longer if i did not wake up at 5 am this morning! my husband also woke up in the middle of the night with his sinus problems. hopefully we will both be well soon. so i guess it will look pretty bad on my time sheet that i only worked 2 hours today. oh well. it is difficult for me to sit for a long period of time too. i feel pressure in my pelvis that i guess is normal.

ok i've been working for 2 hours now. i think that if i worked from home i could be more productive. there are fewer distractions. however, on days when i am tired, the bed would be distracting! it makes me feel like i am in school again, which is sort of fun. i think that i had to operate in the school mode for so many years, it seems natural to me to work like that. i also think i am more productive because the phone isn't ringing off the hook. i bet we could get a lot done if we didn't have to answer the phone calls of people asking i&r questions. i think we should hire someone to do just that. mental health treatment/support group i&r. or an information specialist. that way the person could mail any requested information to a caller. we are told that there is no more money to do these things. however, i think if a very resourceful person were in charge, they could find the money. Ok, the more i think about changes i could make at my agency, the more disgruntled i get. i better stop and fix myself some lunch!

if you know a child who has a parent with a mental illness, a sibling with a mental illness, or has a mental illness themselves, this is a great website.

Kids can even tell their own stories on this website. Very cool. I've also included it on the right hand side of my blog.

The snow keeps falling. I am staying home because i don't want to get stuck somewhere. Even if I got stuck at the office, that would be bad. I did bring work home so I can get some stuff done.

This could be dangerous. I could start to like working at home! It would be nice if my boss were that flexible. He does work from home if one of his kids are sick or something. maybe he would be open to me working at home for a little while. Who knows. I guess i'll deal with that if I have to. My plan is to work as long as I stay healthy.

I thought i was going to a school today for guest speaking. Now school is closed for the imminent threat of snow. i am concerned now about even getting out to go to work. I have to travel about 14 miles to work on an interstate with heavy traffic and road construction. I guess that the interstates would be cleared first, but I do not want to get caught in hours of traffic. being pregnant, i would have to pee on myself or get so hungry that i would get sick if i had to do that.

i guess i am more worried about this than most would be because this has happened to me before. in college i was coming home for christmas my sophomore year. a huge winter storm hit the south. virginia was prepared (as they always are) but good ole tennessee was not. when i got just outside of johnson city, i was stuck. for 5 hours. i had to pee so badly; i've never been in that much pain. so i just peed on a pillow in the car. i guess it soaked it up. i'm glad that no one was with me or it would have been worse, in a more humiliating way. but then maybe would have felt ok to get out and pee outside. i was surely not the only one in this predicament because there were many other cars and trucks on the road stuck with me.

i also got up an hour earlier than i usually do because the school i was going to has a 7 am class. i could have slept another hour! wah! oh well.... maybe it will snow enough that i won't have to go to work. my boss lives closer to the office than any of the other employees. (hmmm... is that why we moved our office to the current location? is that why he didn't consider anywhere but a certain area of town? hmmm...) i brought some things home that i could work on because i was expecting something to happen overnight.

ok, i'll just have to wait and see. another 2 hours... i could go back to sleep, but it's probably not worth it.

Ok now I am tired. I need to go buy some light bulbs for my floor lamp. The fluorescent lights make me more tired when I am tired. I know that I have a lot to do, but my mind keeps wondering. I'd like to bring my recliner to work or go home and prop up my feet.

The weather people are calling for snow. I'd like to see one good snow this year. Maybe this will be it. I am supposed to go to another school tomorrow. The teacher called me and told me to watch the weather report. She is very kind to do that. I would be glad to not go to a school. I'll pray for snow at church tonight! Wait, that may not be a very good Ash Wednesday attitude! Oh well... can't hurt to pray anyway.

I was supposed to have lunch with someone but they flaked on me. I am a Stephen Minister for my church, and I was supposed to meet with my care receiver. That's about all I can say without breaking confidentiality. I had a good lunch alone and with the food, though. Pizza Hut buffet is goooood.

I'm feeling less stressed now that my files are coming together for this audit on Monday.

I have wondered about these Quizno's commercials that have these bizzare rodents. Here are some answers, maybe.

It has been 2 hours since lunch, and I feel like I have been working ALL DAY LONG!!!!

I've been creating and organizing files for an audit of my program. Fun.

Back to the grind...

I am now back at work from the marathon doctor appointment! Whew! I was there for 2 1/2 hours. The doctor had to go deliver a baby so I had to wait an extra hour. Of course since I am a new patient, I had to go through all of that medical history stuff too. I like him pretty well. Mom was concerned because some of what he says could be hurtful if you take it personally. Everything went fine. We heard both heartbeats and he just did an external exam, feeling my uterus. I am 18 weeks and 4 or 5 days. I am ok'ed to go on vacation at the end of March, but nothing beyond that. I have an ultrasound again at 21 weeks, which is the week before we leave. They'll make sure everything is ok then, too.

I am tired today but I have a lot of work to do. And I was very late, that does not help my stress level. I need a nap.

For some reason I cannot read my comments on this computer. I tried to read them on my computer at work, and I could do it there. I even hold down the control key to let pop ups thru. Oh well.

People are planning baby showers now. My aunt asked if mid May would be OK for one from her church. I am afraid that will be too late. We'll work it out.

I have my doctor's appointment this morning. My mom called me yesterday to tell me that the doctor I am seeing can sometimes say some things that you shouldn't take personally. I'm glad she told me that. Now I'll know how to handle him. He is also her doctor.

Mother in law and her friend came by last night with gifts. She bought mattresses for the cribs. Then she proceeded to give her opinion about daycare and such. I don't know if it is what she is saying or how she is saying it. She gets this look of disgust on her face saying things like, "oh just the thought of having them in daycare, oh!" Now my mom has said some similar things, but in quite a different way. Mother in law just has a way of saying things that really make you feel stupid if you take it a certain way.

The dog likes to sit in the floor where ever I am and chew on her toy. She has already gutted the toy of all of its stuffing. It's kind of a funny image because the toy is a stuffed lobster. She is digging into it like it were a real lobster! I am concerned about the dog and how she will react when the boys are here.

I need to finish getting ready for the doctor. yippee.

Ok Correction. The babies are 7 INCHES long, and they are about 1/2 a pound each. I read it wrong the first time.

I'm going to have to tell some people who don't know better to keep their mouths shut. I have an intern here who does have a talking problem. We've discussed this together before. However, today, she decides to share at a meeting that I am having twins. Now, whose news is this? I realize it is exciting, but it is not her news to share. I am so annoyed still that I can't talk to her about it yet. I'll wait until Wednesday.

I had to get my medical records from the Birthing Center to take to the doctor tomorrow AM. I was looking through it and found the report on the babies from the ultrasound. I should have done something in the medical profession because this is fascinating (maybe it is only because its about me). As of 2/12/04, the babies estimated fetal weights are about 0.7 lbs apiece. According to the report, they are dichorionic and diamniotic. This means that they do not share an amniotic sac. Now whether they share a placenta or not, I am not sure. From what I've read, both identical and fraternal twins can be dichorionic and diamniotic. For identical twins, if the zygote divides early in the pregnancy, then this can occur. This is good because they will not share a blood supply. Apparently if they share blood, this is bad. This is what I've learned today!

I found the site for the local parents of multiples club. I hope I can convince my husband to join. They are having a huge sale next week.

More worries!

Multiple blessings bring multiple problems.

We are supposed to have a staff meeting at 9 am. Let's see if this really happens...

Insurance companies rule the world. I have always believed this to be true. However, today, I have found more evidence to prove it!

The nursery is on its way!

The carpet is up, the floor is sanded and oiled, the cribs and changing table are assembled. We win the stupid award for the week, however. Every time we put a piece of furniture together, we had to disassemble it immediately. With no instructions, it is easy to forget a step! It was frustrating, but I believe the reward was seeing it all come together.

Our house is so small that we have removed other furniture and things we had in it before. Now in our garage is: our futon, which was used for overnight guests (won't be needing that!); an antique table and chairs (it was really in the way anyway); a small bookshelf (to be sold in the yard sale); and miscellaneous items that belong to me, mostly (yes, I am a packrat).

The nursery closet is now our coat closet. Who knows where that stuff will go!

Medication seems to be working, praise the Lord!

I still can't seem to sleep any later than 6 or 7 am. I used to be the best sleeper in the world. (just ask my college roommates!) I actually did sleep through the night, save for a 2 am wake up to pee. waking up this early will mean i'll have to take a nap, but that's ok with me.

i think today will be a good day.

I found the site for the mothers of twins clubs.

they didn't have knoxville listed, but i found a phone number in the phone book.

i think i need to go lie down. i hope i can sleep tonight.

he is a man, but he has a very kind heart. my husband called my mom yesterday to let her know that i was having a bad day. she invited me to dinner and then we went to the used bookstore to look around. (i had a trade credit from 1987; i can't believe i was able to hold on to it that long!). she told me that she took antibiotics with my brother, as well as other medications. he was fine. i tried no meds for one more night and didn't get any rest. sleep deprivation will help you make a decision quickly! i am feeling a little better; i'm just waiting for it to kick in fully.

one of the teachers at jefferson co. is preggo too. she is 5 mos. with a singleton and we are about the same size in the belly. mom had a book that said in order to protect yourself emotionally, it's ok to tell a white lie. ex. if you don't want to talk about having twins for the 40th time that day, just tell people you are 6 mos. pregnant when you are really only 4! i thought that was a great idea. don't worry, i will only tell the truth here!

i got a book on twins last night and i've been reading it. much of it it can be pretty scary. however, i am the kind of person who feels better and less stressed if i have all of the information up front. it suggests touring the hospital, including the NICU, just so you are prepared. pretty scary, but probably necessary.

we are working on the nursery this weekend. we moved some extra furniture to the garage, and now we can take up the carpet in the room. ideally, i would like to get rid of the carpet in the whole house. however, most of the rooms are fully of some heavy furniture. not feasible now. we've got both cribs now and added matresses to the registry. i painted the room soon after we moved into the house. it is a neutral color, so we won't have to paint it now. we got a border that matches the theme. the floor is hardwood, but the idiots who lived here before painted the trim white without a drop cloth. people are just stupid. the hardwood is in good condition because i took the carpet up in the dining room last fall. we won't refinish the floors right now because it is too much work and too expensive. we plan to do that when we decide to move out of the house. i think it will increase the value.

i feel like i am expanding again. i have another sinus headache, too. i thought you were supposed to feel good in the second trimester! i guess it's time for more drugs...

i guess this will go down as the worst week in a long time.
i didn't get a second interview with the job i applied for. that's a big ole hit to the self-esteem. i now have sinus infection from the cold i had two weeks ago. so it's been a total of 3 weeks that i've been sick. now my head feels like it is going to explode and i can't breathe thru my nose. not to mention that i am EXTREMELY worried about taking medications. the doctor gave me some antibiotics just in case. then my mother in law called last night and talked to my husband. i guess to get the nightly report on me. this morning he gives me his and her two cents on my health. i don't mind him saying anything so much. but he gets his information from his mom. she apparently said that i shouldn't take anything and when she was pregnant, she was just miserable. i guess she has an MD degree now. that's a big leap from an elementary school teacher to an MD overnight. i am so freaking over the unsolicited advice. especially since i AM worried about it already. have i taken the damn antibiotics? NO! have i been sick for 3 weeks already? YES! did the real doctor give them to me? YES! i wish that everybody would just leave me alone. it's not just her either. everybody feels like they have to tell me what NOT to do. i KNOW my limits; let me decide. i guess when you get pregnant you automatically become stupid, too.

i hope i can at least make it through the day. my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head it hurts so much.

well, i'm off to jefferson county high school. i hope they are better than the kids i talked to yesterday.

i am fully awake and almost ready to go now. i wish we had a little extra money so that i could maybe go to my therapist again. my anxiety is growing, and i am not sure what to do about it. actually, this blog helps. when i wrote that stuff at 3 am this morning, i was able to go back to sleep afterwards.

i wonder if i can sleep now. t minus 3 hours before i have to get up! haha.

my brother is coming this evening to get his junk out of the garage. i told him he could keep it there, thinking that he could until he graduated this spring and was able to get his own place. he has some furniture and other items in there. we have to move the futon and a table and chairs from our 2nd bedroom to make it a nursery. our house is quickly becoming too small. realistically, if we absolutely had to, we could live here with just the two boys. they could share a room forever (well, maybe). i am not sure what will happen after this pregnancy or in the future, but i have thought about having 3 children. that would give me one more chance to have a girl. however, the thought of having boys is somewhat relief. you have more to worry about with girls, in my opinion.

this is gross, but i think i have a sinus infection. do i have time to go to the doctor this week, no. maybe i can go to the after hours clinic tonight or something. i don't know what to do.

here are our baby registries: target
and babies r us.

blogger and blogspot are so cool. it is so easy to make hyperlinks without knowing what you are doing.

this is bad, very bad. just check out the time on this blog entry.

i wake up to pee (like i always do) and then i can't go back to sleep. when i teach my mental health classes, i tell the students about bipolar disorder. i feel like i am manic because my mind is turned on and i can't get it to stop.

i finally got a doctor's appointment. i am uneasy about that because other doctors came more highly recommended. i just couldn't make a decision and was feeling anxious so i called my gp and they got me an appointment. the doctor i am seeing did my mom's tubal ligation (think that's what you call it) or tied her tubes. that was a traumatic experience for her. very painful, very invasive surgery. she's had many more problems since then. but i don't think that was the doctor's fault. i blame my dad more than anyone because the vasectomy is much less invasive as far as surgery goes. i told cory about that and he said "well you won't have to worry about that with me." he is so great.

i had a professor in college who said he would wake at 4 am and get in bed by 8 pm. we all thought he was crazy for getting up so early (we were in college!) but now it seems like a good schedule to me!

i have to teach classes today at another high school. it is a predominantly african american school. in the past it has been difficult for me to connect with those kids (probably because i am predominantly white). it upsets me because i want to make a connection and help them understand about mental health. minority communities have more mental health problems because of the extreme mundane environmental stress (dr. bowie would be proud. that's about the only thing i learned from him). so i am not sure how to better connect with them and make it interesting while covering the material i have to cover. i have a video that is a discussion led by an african american olympic athlete who has depression. i am thinkin of using that for part of the class. we'll see how it works. at least i won't have to talk as much.

i need a drink of water. i'll brb.

I really should be working, but blogging is much more fun! I wonder if the State will enjoy reading my blog as evidence of how their grant money is used!

I am still trying to find an OB doctor. If you want to read my pregnancy journal click here!

I was uncomforatable all day yesterday until I got to lie down in bed. I hope that today is better. I have to go to Fulton HS today. I made them mad last week when I didn't come because of the weather shortening the schedule. I am the guest speaker; it's my prerogative to do that, right? I just wanted some validation on my decision and I wasn't really getting it.

I broke down again last night trying to talk to my husband about money issues. I want to have a doula for the birth of my sons. He didn't think we should pay for more than just the basics. However, he wanted a new computer and a new truck and I agreed to do that. He does a lot for me, but as my mom said to me this weekend, he still has a lot of growing up to do.

I am also dealing with the fact that I won't be able to stay home with my babies. I remember my mom being very upset about leaving Cody when he was only 6 weeks old. I didn't understand why she had to do it, but I fully understand now.

Maybe I should have waited a little longer to get pregnant.

I am so sick of my job. I am disappointed in and have very little respect for the leadership of this agency. I am tired of being treated as a child that doesn't know anything.

That's all I can say right now.

My belly feels like it is expanding every hour.

It's not 5:45 am but 6:40 am. I gained an hour, woohoo!

It is very difficult to get ready for work when your brother is on the couch and your husband is in the bed trying to sleep. I am glad they get a day off, but I hate to tiptoe around them.

I may have to make a sign to put on my belly that says "Don't Touch" or as Cody says "No Touchie." My mother in law was the first to touch my belly on Saturday. It really freaked me out. At least it was someone I knew. From what I understand, perfect strangers will come up to you and touch your belly. In a society that is so individualistic and devalues human touch it amazes me that everyone thinks they have free reign over you when you are pregnant. What's that about?

My dog is confused by everyone sleeping, too. She is used to us being up and getting ready for work. There is usually a point in every morning where she will just sit on the couch and give us a "look" meaning "I am very mad that you will be leaving me soon." She has also taken up a "blocking" technique. We will both be in the bedroom getting ready and she will lie down in the doorway, I assume thinking that she can watch us and block us from leaving. Yeah, good try Jackie, maybe that would work if you were a Lab.

I wanted to get to work early this morning because I have a crap load to do when I get there. I'll complain about my job later.

I wish that I could be more creative with my names for my blogs and journals.

My mom said that when she was pregnant she felt like something was sucking the life out of her. I am starting to feel the same. I think it is time for bed.

My brother is here spending time with my husband. I wonder if they feel neglected by me.

I knew that it would be difficult for me to keep up with this site. Maybe now I'll have a better reason to blog or journal. I have a journal at babyzone.com called Brown Babies. Yes, I am expecting twins! They are both boys. It might have been nice to have a girl and a boy, but I am happy that so far we are all healthy.