Pretty good on anger today. I think i got to about a 5 out of 10. It was toward cory, though, and not the boys. he gets snippy with me over nothing sometimes.

yard sale today and we are making some good money. that puts everyone in a good mood :)

we also picked up our first purchase of the Angel Food (www.angelfoodministries.com). $25 for a huge box of food, most of which will be used for dinners over the next week. I'd say it's a great deal!

I working today for the 15th day in a row. I'm working at my PRN job which used to be my full time job. I'm glad that it is no longer my full time job because of what I witnessed last week. Most of the crisis calls I do at the jail either have nudity or bodily fluids or both involoved. nuff said.

Bad mommy night last night...

As a therapist and a mother I am reluctant to admit something... I have used this blog for a place to vent feelings and talk about things I have done to 'dump' them out of my often racing mind. So, here it is... I have fallen into sometimes spanking my boys. It KILLS me to be this way. I vowed that I would not parent this way, I read books, discussed with my husband and we had plans. Then we had children.

So not as an excuse for my behavior, but as analysis and (hopefully) a change, I say this in public.

Last night my son Cole hit me in the face when he was angry with me, and I hit him back, spanked on the butt. That moment I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I am no example to others or especially to my children.

Again, not as an excuse, but my stress level, irritability have been so much worse since having them. I'm sure you think, "well, duh." but I never viewed myself as an angry person. I get so angry with the boys! previously, I would force anger inward, push it down, and get depressed. I'd seem laid back outwardly but be so worked up inside. Now, apparently I think it is ok to act out when I get angry.

To fix this then, I need to look at why their behavior gets me so riled up. I guess I need to monitor my anger like I ask my clients to. Hey, I could blog my anger level each day! that could work... Also, what feelings do the boys provoke in me when they don't listen, defy me, or generally just not do what they're told. I think I am quite impatient. A lot of this is doing things by a certain time so that I can watch a show or just go to bed and get some sleep! So I need some patience, need to practice more of what I tell people in therapy. I need to be the example.

I have had this problem since I've been on this earth. It's called my mouth. I just can't keep it shut sometimes when it's not appropriate. I just said something off the cuff that made me look so stupid. I hate that. I'm just going to stay in my little hole away from people so that I don't say anything that I regret.

I just don't understand myself sometimes. I OVER think so many things, so MANY things in my life. and then when it really matters, I make a fool of myself and open my big mouth.

It looks like I have a few fans!

Having children makes you broke! I've been working extra at the crisis response unit to try to help make the ends meet. I worked both days this weekend and saw some of the worst cases I've seen in awhile. I can deal with seeing horrible cases of mental illness pretty well. I know that my role is to be there to help if I can.

However, the worst part of working so much is the separation from my children. Cory works two jobs as well, with real estate taking him away in the evenings on most nights. Cole has been biting his fingernails since he was about 18 months old. He also picks his nose. and eats it. yum. He has a few nails where now the skin is red around the quick. one finger is red and swolen a little. I asked him why he bites his nails and his response is, "Because I need you mommy."

Cole and Aidan have been potty trained now for a few months. Cole will sometimes have accidents when he starts playing and won't stop to go to the potty. Ususally these are BM accidents. He told his teacher one day last week that he had an accident "Because I need my mommy."

Now, I've done my research on nail biting, and I was leaving it alone because the articles I read said it was self-soothing, similar to twirling hair, etc. Since he has started injuring himself with the nailbiting, I just don't know what to do. What I've read tells me to not call attention to the behavior because it may increase, and the behavior is done without thinking, not a concious decision. So I've started saying "Hands!" to Cole. I've also started saying "Hands!" to Aidan. He like to stick his hands down the front of his pants. Ah boys...

We have an appointment for yearly checkups in July. I will be addressing a lot of things, including the nail biting. I have my own history of some intense anxiety. I just want to prevent Cole from going through that as well. I need to make sure that I'm not doing anything to heighten his anxiety. I know he wants to be with me and Cory, and he is a homebody - he'd rather be at home playing with his trains more than anything! He has an anxious/avoidant temperament type. I want to keep him from being a worry wart, like I am.

Am I back?

I don't really know...

Apparently I have some fans, who have written comments, want me back.

Blogging takes a lot of time. I used it as therapy, a dumping ground for thoughts about my life, my marriage, my parenting, my career. I think I might need the place to dump those thoughts some more. I'm getting more and more stressed out lately. I always got such great support here, too.

So, going to try again.

A couple of things that kept me from blogging for awhile
1. I felt the need to talk about things at work and was afraid of breaking confidentiality
2. I used to blog a lot while at work. Now, I am much more busy. also afraid that 'big brother is watching.' if you know what i mean...
3. working now sometimes 6-7 days a week to catch up on bills that are piling up. not much time to blog.

here's my goal: blog 3-4 times a week. can't commit to everyday.