Bad mommy night last night...

As a therapist and a mother I am reluctant to admit something... I have used this blog for a place to vent feelings and talk about things I have done to 'dump' them out of my often racing mind. So, here it is... I have fallen into sometimes spanking my boys. It KILLS me to be this way. I vowed that I would not parent this way, I read books, discussed with my husband and we had plans. Then we had children.

So not as an excuse for my behavior, but as analysis and (hopefully) a change, I say this in public.

Last night my son Cole hit me in the face when he was angry with me, and I hit him back, spanked on the butt. That moment I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I am no example to others or especially to my children.

Again, not as an excuse, but my stress level, irritability have been so much worse since having them. I'm sure you think, "well, duh." but I never viewed myself as an angry person. I get so angry with the boys! previously, I would force anger inward, push it down, and get depressed. I'd seem laid back outwardly but be so worked up inside. Now, apparently I think it is ok to act out when I get angry.

To fix this then, I need to look at why their behavior gets me so riled up. I guess I need to monitor my anger like I ask my clients to. Hey, I could blog my anger level each day! that could work... Also, what feelings do the boys provoke in me when they don't listen, defy me, or generally just not do what they're told. I think I am quite impatient. A lot of this is doing things by a certain time so that I can watch a show or just go to bed and get some sleep! So I need some patience, need to practice more of what I tell people in therapy. I need to be the example.