i just don't know where to begin with this blog. my thoughts are a mess and so are my emotions. i almost called in to take a "mental health" day. i didn't because i need all of the days i can keep for when i have to take maternity leave AND i have tons of work to do.

last night cory came home after i fell asleep at 10:15. i have no idea what time it was. he came to bed and we just started talking about somethings. all of the sudden, it turned into an argument about me wanting to stay at home. uh oh, now i am feeling emotional again. why can't i talk/write about this without getting upset! ok, deep breath... so anyway, i got myself worked up and a big old blubbery mess. but he just kept going on and on and on and on about working a second job and he was tired and he was sacrificing and so on. i just wanted to say "SO WHAT." i did ask him "What do you want, the father of the year award?" i'm not saying that i WON'T go back to work. i just want some understanding and i don't think i'm going to get that from him. and unfortunately, he is the one that i need it from the most. my mom said that one of her biggest regrets was having to leave my youngest brother at a sitters when he was just 6 weeks old. i know that i am going to be a basket case myself. i predict it already. i'm just not that strong emotionally. just send me to the psychiatric hospital now.

so then this morning, i guess i'm still not over it. i must be having one of these emotional waves or something. i was mean and snappy to him. then i realized what i was doing, and i was starting to think about changing that attitude. then he says something else insensitive to me and now i'm back to being gripey, mean and irritable. it's just one never ending cycle. i'm so tired. and i know that he is too. but what does he want from me? i just don't get it.