I Changed My Mind
I just can't do it. Maybe some people can live with out sleep, but I am not one of them. I made up my mind that I will not be breastfeeding anymore. I probably could have done it with just one, but the sleep deprivation with two is mind boggling. I can't get them to stay latched on long enough for me to try to feed both at once. And honestly, I would like some of my life back. I would like to sleep with my husband. I would like to sit down and watch a movie or have time to blog.
And I know my depression will only get worse if something doesn't change soon. The only thing I know to change is the feeding method.
All of my books say to try for at least a month. Well, those people don't have two babies that seem like they are starving ALL THE TIME.
I'm trying to work all of this out so that I'll be more comfortable with my decision. I've always been an overacheiver; working harder and smarter than many others. I told myself over and over that I could do this, I could feed two babies at once. Others have done it. Surely I can do it, too. I have support. What I didn't count on was my continually deteriorating mental state. I can handle getting up at night and changing diapers and crying, etc. What I can't handle is the continual stress of getting two babies to LEARN how to breastfeed. Then they started getting confused since we were supplementing with bottles. Bottles are easy.
Right now, I am agreeing with the babies. Bottles are easy, and I need something to be easy.
It does make me sad to think that I've given up my goal. NONE of what has happened with pregnancy, childbirth, and now feeding has gone as I had envisioned from the beginning. I think that God is trying to teach me patience and flexiblity.
I could be very resentful of these babies. Part of my reason for doing this has to do with how I feel about them. I started feeling pure frustration with them all the time. I don't want to feel that way. I know they can sense my feelings, and I don't want them to start out with my stress and anxiety in this world.
So I've changed my mind.
6 Comments:
It's your life and you have to make the choices that work for you. You don't need to justify anything you do.
I agree with Cathy.
I struggled with breastfeeding for 3 months with my first, and that was because everyone wanted me to do that. I wasn't confident enough to change to bottles but when the midwife suggested it (stress was affecting my milk) I quickly changed.
You do what you feel is right and know that it is best for the boys. A more relaxed mum means more relaxed babies.
I have to justify it to myself more than anyone else. i am my own worst critic.
Bottle away! You need a break!!!
-Rachael
Relax! Bottle feeding isn't the end of the world. With my first, I couldn't get the hang of breastfeeding. It seemed like I couldn't get her to latch on. She was hungry ALL THE TIME and cried a lot. I tried for a couple weeks and gave up. All the rest I breastfed for six months or so.
Having a baby changes everything ~ and you have two! Double the change, double the stress. But double the goodness, too! Hang in there...
If you need to do a bottle....bottle away!! I wanted to go without an epidual when I had my daughter!! Had to have a c section. Had to have an epidual! There were worse thing!
Just be kind to yourself! You are doing a great job. By your concerns it shows me that you are a wonderful and caring mother.
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